Week 6- FINISHED

I'm finally getting around to this. Took long enough.  Sorry guys. As a "writer", please understand that every now and then there are just...times when I can't write. Excuses, excuses, but true.

After a fitful night of sleep, waking up feeling "lost" every 2~3 hours, I decided to hit the gym. Afterwards, I came back and flopped face down on my bed. The silence was...so loud. I could hear everything in my mind screaming at me, trying to fight its way to the top of an ever-growing list of  Things I Need to Do But Keep Putting Off. Yes, you read correctly, I voluntarily laid in silence. I didn't feel like doing anything else. So I waited for sleep to come, hoping it would calm the shitstorm that is the collection of my thoughts. (It didn't). I had a dream and that made it even worse.

But anyways:
My week of silence was, thankfully, not as painful as I feared it would be. There were only a few short times seriously considered turning on the TV or radio, or just talking out loud. I realized how much background noise I really have going on, too. I'll likely continue to sleep with the TV on, because the noise is..."comforting". Something about constant sound and stimulation relaxes me. For some people it makes them nuts and they NEED to take a break from things, but I'm the opposite.

On Saturday, I took a hike up a mountain. Someone suggested that it was a good way to "clear my head". No. I refuse to think of it that way. Going into the woods to "think" just doesn't make sense to me. But I was quiet. I paused my 7 hour NightCore playlist and "listened to nature", and you know what? I felt like I was crazy. Bugs, birds, footsteps, my heartbeat after sprinting up an incline, an old man singing to himself...why do I want to hear those things? I'll take the pounding bass of my iPod over any of that any day.

I have not come to welcome the silence. I don't quite despise it as much, but it hasn't drastically changed me, either. I still don't like to "sit and think", and I doubt I ever will. Through the week, my thoughts only helped me to "come to terms" with one thing: I was (and often still am) far too weak for my own good.


The week is over. I'll not be doing it again. Perhaps if I weren't trying to make serious life decisions, I'd be a little more amenable to silence, but as the moment, the last thing I want/need is more "time to think".

Silence- Day 7

Day 7...was Wednesday, actually.

On Tuesday, I didn't do it. In my descent into TOPIK-induced madness, I forgot to do it. I got off work, went to dinner with someone I hadn't seen in a while, and came back and studied until 1:30am, then I went to the gym to get my daily workout it. Yes, I went at 1:30am.That's just what I do. Anyways, pretty much the rest of my week went like that, going to sleep only because I should and not because I was actually tired.

Sorry for the wait, guys. As an avid reader of far too many webcomics, I know how irritating it is when a regular update schedule gets off, or worse, updates stop completely and you're just left hanging. I'm going to try my best not to fall behind like this again. (Really).

Anyways: For Day Seven, I didn't really think of much at all. My mind was comfortably empty. There weren't any raging issues or soul crushing revelations or anything like that at all.Some people might call being "empty-headed" a bad thing, but after the week I've had, that's just fine.

The one thing that sucked about it was that it definitely made the time pass much more slowly. 5 minutes felt longer than on the first day. Having nothing to occupy myself with just...ugh. 

Because I didn't think about anything (seriously, I was just laying in bed looking around), it felt like a total waste of time. Why was I lying in bed when I could have been leveling up or eating or exercising or doing ANYTHING ELSE?! Then I looked over at my wallpaper. I have hideous wallpaper. It's disgusting. And to make matters worse, its' the exact same paper from my last apartment. All the wallpaper and sparkle vomit they've got, and  get this crap...TWICE IN A ROW?! I don't like big flowers. I don't like purple. I don't like pink. What do I get?...*facepalm*

I love my wallpaper...

But enough about that: as fugly as it is, it made for a decent game of connect the dots to pass the time.

Day Seven: Complete.

Silence- Day 6

Better late than never, huh?  I've actually had this done for a few days, I just never posted it *Procrastinators of the world unite...later*

I've been really busy studying trying to cram all the Korean that I can into brain before next month.

That's what I was thinking about the whole time, actually.

I just kept running over different scenarios and trying to make things make sense in my mind and all that kept coming up is "これは연필 입니다." (This is a pencil). Sure, the sentence is right, but if you look at it, there are two languages jammed into it. My test is in Korean. When I get frustrated or forget something, I don't even fall back on English, I fall back on Japanese.

Which brought me to another point: Japanese is my first love. I enjoy studying it. I put myself through all kinds of crazy before I took the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) last December. I mean like"KiteGirl, don't forget to sleep" crazy. And it paid off. I passed and got the certification I was going for. It was the lowest level of 5, but hey, I got it.

As I was laying on bed, I kept thinking of that. But rather than feeling encouraged, it made me feel even worse about the upcoming Korean test. For the JLPT, I had been studying Japanese for years. I took a few classes on my own, self-studied, took university level classes for several semesters, watch Japanese animation (in Japanese, subtitles are blasphemy) and have just been a lot more "involved" with Japanese in general.
 Korean, on the other hand, not so much.Yes, I live in South Korea, but that doesn't mean anything. I know people who've lived here for as long as I have (or longer) and they can't speak a word of Korean. It pisses me off [more on that later]. I live here. I can carry on a decent conversation and do day-to-day things. I can even get into an argument and win *which I've done only once, but it was still nice. hahaha* But the academic stuff like grammar and proper sentence structure and word spacing? That's not ingrained into my brain the way it is with Japanese.

People who don't speak the language in the country they reside in: USELESS. Seriously. I'm not asking for fluency or native-level proficiency. I'm  just asking that you make some effort to be able to go out on your own and do things for yourself. Every now and then you will likely need assistance from a native-speaker, but that's okay. I can't tell you how much it irritates me that people always say "I don't need to learn it. they speak English and I'm an English teacher." Isht like that is the reason that many English-only speakers are labeled as self-centered. Learn the language. Expecting others to speak English because you're an English teacher is stupid. The national language is Korean. "I'll only be here for a year." "I'll never use it again." "It's too hard." You are a useless human being with the independence of a child without at least SOME grasp of the language. Yeah, I make tons of mistakes, yeah, people look at me like I'm an alien when I open my mouth and answer in Korean, but guess what: I've found that people tend to be more open to you and willing to help if you at least try to speak the language. Butcher it. Go ahead. But they'll see that you're trying.

With that said, I'm pretty useless, myself. I thought about my trips to Hong Kong and Taiwan and how stupid I felt not being able to communicate. I can speak English, Spanish, Japanese, Korean and a few "choice" words in French, but Chinese? Taiwanese? Not so much.

So back to the test....as I was in bed, I noticed that the time started going more and more quickly. Perhaps I'm getting used to the silence...that, or my brain's more full of stuff than I thought and the process of going through it makes the time fly by.

Silence- Day 5

So, I suppose I should say "Happy Father's Day!", and so I will:

Happy Father's Day. It takes a lot to be a father/father figure and too many people are clearly not up to the challenge.

What, did you sense a bit of something there? Good. Because there was. Today's silence was all over the place and I finally hit on the spot that I've been trying to avoid since I was a kid...

My father.

I don't know him, and I don't know much about him. I know his name and his face from one picture, I remember his 80's style mustache and the color of his skin. The end. I can't remember his voice, or the way he laughed or any of those little tics that make us who we are. And I can honestly say that *Earmuffs for the little ones* I don't give a damn. A while ago, when I made the mistake of going to a "Girl's Night"when I clearly should have stayed home, someone asked me about my father and I couldn't answer her. I honestly didn't know the answer. But she was taken aback, almost hurt, by my indifference to his existence. I wasn't always so unmoved by the topic, though.

When I was younger, I foolishly wanted to get rich and famous, just so he'd come back and I could say "____  you, go away. I want nothing to do with you. How's it feel to be on the receiving end?" But luckily, I outgrew it and found more productive things to pour my energy into.

Again, I don't know him, and I don't want to know him. I have questions, but some things are just going to be left unanswered and perhaps it's for the best. If I ever have children and they want to know about their "real" grandfather, they'll be on their own in that search. Blood or not, I've no interest in looking up someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger.

Which lead me to another point (which is just another reason that I want to swan dive into an empty pool when I consider what I nearly married). His father left before he was born, but he kept in contact. His mother was against it, and tried to keep them from meeting, but he wanted to have a relationship with his son. It certainly wasn't the best of beginnings, but he was trying. So to find out that my then boyfriend was merely using him and didn't care at all? It infuriated me, to put it lightly. How dare you jerk someone around like that.

I get a LOT of thinking done in fifteen minutes. Most of it is unrelated. I'd like to see the CIA try to tap into my brain and follow any single train of thought from start to finish...

"I pray we’ll find Your light
 And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
Remind us where You are
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with Your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe"

"The Prayer". Yep, that's what came to mind next. Mainly because I've been listening to a lot of Celtic Woman (great singers, by the way) while I've been studying. The song was in my head, mixed with a few others, and the strange combination of emotions brought on from thinking about he who is my paternal contributor faded away. Quickly replaced by...

"I just wanted to hear your voice". Yep, He Who Wakes the Unicorn called earlier today. And then all was right with the world. Which got me to thinking about my style in relationships (ugh, not a fan of that word).  I'm wondering, seriously though, why when I have all of this time to think is my little brain carrying on about a man?! Actually, that was a stupid question. I know why. It's because I typically forbid myself to think about such things, seeing them as stupid or unnecessary and painfully feminine. "But you ARE a girl! It's okay to be feminine!" I know that. But putting that into practice is a lot harder than you'd think.I pride myself on not being overrun by my emotions (unless it's anger, then it's not so disgusting) So getting all soft-spoken, hair twirling "I wuv you honey" is a serious delineation of character. I try to keep it under wraps, but it's like the more I try, the harder it gets! I'm thinking that one day I'm just gonna explode into a bunch of pink sparkly stuffed animals that say "I love you!" It'll be an interesting sight, that's for sure.

THEN (yep, there's more), I watched my glow-in-the-dark stars seemingly dance across my ceiling. I'm not on anything, they just appeared that way because of the lights from cars. Still, it was pretty cool.

Silence- Day 4

There was no dream last night. Dreamless sleep, how I've missed you.

*MEGA VERBAL VOMIT*

The words for today's time were "unreliable" and "excessive".

People are unreliable and the amount of stuff I've been able to cram into my studio apartment over the years is beyond excessive.

I'm trying to move in the next year, and I've got more than enough stuff. Just thinking about how much effort it took to move from my last apartment to here made my head hurt.  As I laid in bed, I was just looking around my apartment. There's stuff everywhere (including the floor because I'm messy).  A lot of it isn't even useful or stuff I need. I've got clothes from high school and cards and books I'll never read/ reread. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to get rid of them. I've got dresses like you wouldn't believe, but most of them will never be worn in public. Sure, I'll try them on and ditz around my apartment, but I'd likely not go outside looking like that.

The sheer volume of stuff I have is disgusting, but that's part of living here, for me. There are things that I can't get so easily, so I hold on to things, just in case. But then I have to remember: I have a nearly full closet at home in the States. Why is it so hard to get rid of things? I want to be able to fit all of my clothes in my closet. Right now I've got a closet and two drawers. I live alone, walk most places, and have a steady rotation of about 8 pieces of clothing. With that said, why is it so hard to toss a t shirt or some pants? In the case of my polo shirts, it's because they were way too expensive and then the store is gone so I can't replace them. (My beloved COAX store was replaced by a store selling hats! HATS! HATS!!!!)

As I'm looking over the stuff, it's just frustrating to see how much I've accumulated and how attached I've become to this...stuff. And that's just what most of it is- stuff: jewelry I never wear, business cards from places I'll never visit [again], those free water tissues they give you on airplanes and at restaurants...I'm not loaded, I'd love to have more money. But I don't want or need a big house with tons of rooms and lots of stuff. Give me a loft with open space so I can run and slide across the floor in my socks. Keep your walk-inn closets and rooms dedicated to shoes. I don't even need a huge pantry and multiple refrigerators. I love food, but I don't want a storehouse of it. A bit of stuff on the shelf and in the freezer is fine (God forbid I ever run out of spam, liquor or hot sauce), but there's no need for so much stuff that when I clean it out (or reach to the back), I find a can that dates back more than 4 years! I want to be able to pick up at a moment's notice and fly off without needing weeks of preparation and boxes.

In a weird way, the same thing goes for people. With few exceptions, I want to be able to pick up and go without all the emotional attachment and eye-water inducing goodbyes. Feeling 'tethered' or 'tied down' to one place makes me rather uncomfortable. "But KiteGirl! That's what marriage is! You're tethering yourself to another person!" Like hell, I am. Marriage is uniting and two-become-one and all that other goodness, but it's not being "tied down" it's not being "tethered". If you really think being married is being tied down, you're with the wrong person. If you think it's tethering, you're with the wrong person. When you tether, you can only go so far. The tether (just like in the fabtastic recess game of tether ball), the pole is stuck. It's not going anywhere. Hit the ball as hard as you can, kick it if you want to, but short of breaking the rope, it can only go so far. Perhaps I'm being foolish, but if for some odd reason I finally make it down some sort of aisle, I want it to be with someone who's going to make me feel even more "free" than I do now (if that's possible). I want to be with someone who's going to accept my crazy (believe me, there's quite a bit there), and my randomness and my wanderlust and enhance it. [Heads up...wish listing...] Make me smile and accept the fact that I will most likely forever be immature for my age. I will always enjoy playing in the snow and splashing in puddles. BUT back to the whole "tethering" bit:

I don't want to be "tied down" or "tethered". I want to be with someone who will take me and do this crazy with me, and every now and then, make it worse, or at least allow me to indulge within reason.

Marriage, in my mind:

That's more like it

No

Still No.

I don't know how I got to this point when the original topic was "unreliable" and "excessive"... But speaking of excessive....WEDDING EXPENSES! *The End*

Silence- Day 3

So I'm starting to notice a pattern, and I don't like it.

Whenever I do my "week", my dreams are really vivid and out there.

Earlier this week I was with someone I know and she was a wizard fighting against an evil fairy blocking the only exit of the fountain in the escalators (yes, you read that correctly). Suddenly, my teeth started falling out in pieces. For me, that was especially terrifying because of the amount of dental work I've had done. I woke up and ran to the bathroom and checked to see that everything was still in place, and throughout the day I kept sticking my fingers in my mouth (super hygienic, I know) just to make sure.

But last night...last night was no better.This time, it was like a video game, and I shot someone and killed him. But the point-of-view suddenly changed and it was like looking at an on-field camera. His body fell toward me (the camera) as he hit the ground. I woke up next to him (he was in full military field uniform, sans cover). We were in something that looked like a mattress, but instead of spring or foam, there were our two (his dead, mine still living) bodies. As the coroner zipped the cover shut, the guy asked "why did you shoot me?" and then started singing "Hymn for the Missing". Then it was my turn to sing..."are you lost?" He was supposed to sing the next line, but he just looked at me. Then I woke up and tried to remember the last time I heard that song...

It bothers me because I don't usually dream, or at least not so vividly. That was what ended up being the focus of my fifteen minutes today. Well, that and something else that I'll not delve into in detail.

I don't believe in dream therapy. I don't think that dreams have any real meaning. Sure, in the Bible there are more than a few instances of God sending a message in a dream, but I don't really know that that happens often, at least not in my life. Only when I have recurring dreams do I try to pick them apart. This will probably sound crazy, but when I apologized, I really didn't want to. But I had the same dream for a week, except that each time the situation got worse. Finally, in the dream someone straight up said "If only you had apologized..." And I woke up and yelled "OKAY JESUS! I GET IT! I'LL APOLOGIZE ALREADY!!!"Probably made my neighbors a bit curious in the process. haha  I don't do well with "signs", I need personalized not in any way confusable notification.

But anyways, laying in bed thinking about that dream actually angered me. Because I get side tracked very easily and somehow wound up running simulations again. Man... a few steps from frustrated eye-water. I just....ugh. The thing I put up with and the things I ignored. What was I thinking? I "watched" myself in high school and it made my face burn. I started to reach for the computer so I could find something, anything, to change my train of thought. I wish I could go back to myself in high school and college and even last year and say "What are you doing? You're better than this. Really. Not trying to get all after school special on you, but you can def do better."

I would love to go back in time, and just beat the absolute daylights outta myself. No, really. Like old school "knuckles and a bat, blood-running down your face' beat down.  Then I'd say to my younger bloodied self "there, the worst is over. That isht you're trying to avoid feeling on the inside isn't half as bad as what you're feeling on the outside right now. So, break up, get a new group of friends, and stop being so freaking agreeable."Then that got me thinking about people I have(n't) been dealing with here in South Korea. Seriously? Bowling for Soup was right when they said it: high school never ends.


But back to the dream, after I went to the gym, I had some messages. He Who Wakes the Rainbow Farting Unicorn sent me pictures of himself in uniform. My heart stopped, because the first pose was exactly the same as that of the man I had shot in my dream. I'm hoping this doesn't mean I'm going to kill him and be buried alive in a mattress next to his somehow still-animated corpse, because that would suck for a multitude of reasons...


I doubt I'll ever be one to meditate for "fun" or "relaxation", simply because my mind runs wild without something to focus (?) on.  But for now, I'll focus on this, because I'm so not ending on a deep mature note:

Rainbows really ARE unicorn farts. The internet told me so!

Silence- Day 2

Once again, I woke up late. This is starting to be a habit, and one that I'm really not fond of. Getting up at 8.30 means I'm not out of the gym until 10 which means breakfast is late...One of the few things that irritates me more than a lousy workout is eating a late meal. But oh well...


Today wasn't as bad. I waited until the end of the day to try for the silence, and it was just as painful as yesterday. By the way: my "Enter" key has gone all tard-card and decided to fly off every now and then...I would have figured it'd be the F,G,H or J, as I wail on those keys mid-game. I'm not complaining that they're still on, but, well...yeah, you know.

So once again I laid in bed, after a decent attempt to study (I've made yet another plan, but this one requires lots of studying, so I've gotten on that already). I shut off my lights and looked at the stars on my ceiling. No, I'm not high. Yes, you read that correctly: the stars on my ceiling. Some people gave me glow-in-the-dark stars, so I jammed them up on my ceiling the other day...
*like I said earlier today "verbal vomit"*

Yeah, anyways, so I was looking at the stars and trying not to think because I KNEW what was coming today. Because I knew it, I so desperately wanted to avoid it. I looked around for something, anything, I could use to distract myself...but there was nothing. So for fifteen long minutes, I thought about so many of the mistakes I've made since coming here. Things I should have said, things I shouldn't have said. People I should have kept in my life, and people I never have had in my life in the first place. My mind ran away with all of the simulated outcomes of what I'd be like if things had been done differently.

I couldn't help but feel a since of failure at having seemingly wasted the last four years of my life smacking my head against the proverbial wall for making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wasted so much time. I was with people I shouldn't have been and wasn't with those I should have been with. I did things I shouldn't have done and didn't do the things I should have.

All I can do now is look back and think "Really? Wow...what the hell was I doing then? What the hell am I doing now?" It's even more daunting now as I move forward toward something I (think I ) want. If I could do it over again, I'd change so much. Looking back with regret changes nothing, but damn it's hard not to it anyways.



Well, two days down, five to go. My brain hurts from silence (and studying) and I'm going to raid my fridge. Until tomorrow...

Silence- Day 1

1) Sorry for the late post
2) "Verbal Vomit" is going to be a running theme for the week (I know it's not actually verbal, but you get the idea)
3) I can't think straight...15 minutes of silence brought out way more than I was expecting!

So, yeah. "Suck" is an understatement. I woke up late and went to the gym and proceeded to crank out a sorry excuse for a workout, which put me in a pissy mood anyways. Then I came back to my apartment and decided to give it a shot. As I thought, this is going to be a rough week.

Closed my laptop, turned off the TV, shut the sliding door to the laundry area and curled up on my bed. Yeah, I felt like an idiot. All these preparations for what? To lay in bed and do nothing for 15 minutes. And so it began.

I laid in bed just staring at the wall...and it seemed like forever had passed. How long had it been? 2 minutes. But laying in bed doing nothing reminded me of another bad decision I made and a mega-bullet I dodged. Story Time! Gather round everyone:

I met him in a bar on my 21st birthday, which should have told me from the beginning that no good would come of it. But I ignored everything in me that screamed "Run, Stupid!". A year and some change later, I found myself with a ring on my finger and a possible future that made my skin crawl. He finally  came and visited my family, but that was a train wreck from start to finish. (No, seriously, at one point my mom kinda smacked me when my "snarking" went into "straight up she-witch"as a result of something he'd done...it was that bad). But enough about that. This isn't the time for me to regale you with tales of my dating disasters. This is about doing nothing. Anyways, instead of going to a museum with my family like I'd planned, we had to lay on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Why? Because [as he put it] ""we need to just relax. I wanna chill out." Bitch, please. That's what stoners do. The middle of a beautiful summer day and we have to lay on the sofa in silence and look at the ceiling. My brother even asked "Yo man, are you okay?" His response "Yeah. I'm just chilling. Don't you ever just chill?" "Uh...no....." The end.

Considering that I'm the kind of person who sees sitting still as punishment, I have no idea what I was thinking when I said "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with your lazy butt" when I put on that engagement ring. Thankfully, I came to South Korea and came to my senses and broke up with him.*One day, I might tell you some of my other "wtf were you thinking" stories...There are oh so many. And apparently my dating life history is hilariously bad..I was telling someone a story and she cried from laughing so hard* 

So I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd also mentioned that I knew I'd be thinking about things I wanted to avoid. MAN, was I right. But God was kind yesterday, he didn't throw me in headfirst. He gave me a bit of a lead-in...but it still sucks.

Why? Because Item Number 1 was "friends".

Lately, I've been doing a lot of re-evaluating. I'm realizing that I, along with many others, use the term "friend" far too loosely. "Oh yeah, that's my friend from work" "yeah, he's my friend from school" "she's my friend, I met her the other day". No. They're not. They're drinking buddies, acquaintances, co-workers and people you know. A "friend" takes time. Yes, living in a foreign county and being in a community forged of people who are in the same situation makes it easier to call them friends, but are they really? Would you rely on them? Ask them for help? Tell them things you'd want no one else to know?

I will likely piss off more than a few people, hurt some feelings and perhaps even unintentionally burn some bridges, but I don't care. At this point in my life, I'm in it for myself.

February of last year, I was undoubtedly at my absolute lowest point ever. It took everything I had not to fall back on bad habits from high school. The people I 'hung out with', the people I drank with, my coworkers...none of them could see past my pretending to be okay. But my friends, the ones who knew me, they didn't let it go. Even when I pushed them away they came back and stuck with me. THOSE are real friends. There were several people I used to call "friends", but things happened that don't happen between friends. Backstabbing, lying, telling secrets and straight-up betrayal. Those things made me a bit (lot) more rough around the edges...and a lot more cautious about who I interact with.

Now, I'm not saying that friends have to be all deep and close and touchy feely (believe me, that's NOT what I'm saying at all). Nor am I saying that friends don't have problems. What I AM saying is that people need to look at who they really call a friend. I'm also saying that while things happen between friends, some of those things show you exactly what you are to the other person, and it may not be what you want.  "Friend" is like the word "Love". Too many people use it carelessly and it's gradually losing it's meaning. I know that I'm guilty of it, and that likely won't change anytime soon, simply because I've gotten so used to throwing the word around.

I'm not discounting people who aren't "friends". Everyone needs a few casual acquaintances, random people to hang with and in my case, people to make questionable decisions with (Some of the craziest *but most fun* memories I have aren't with friends, but with my partners in 'crime'). They're fun and hanging with them is enjoyable. But just know that they aren't friends. Perhaps in the future they will be (as two of them have become), but for now, they're not.

Inseparable *hopefully* ㅋㅋㅋ

And that was day one.

Week 6- Silence

So, here we are at Week 6 already. Wow. This is going much more quickly than I'd originally thought it would.

Anyways, after the train wreck that was last week, I'm going to go with adding silence to my day for Week Six.

Here's the Deal
Wednesday morning, (Yes, I'm starting in the middle of the week), I'm going to spend at least 15 minutes a day in silence doing as close to nothing as I possibly can. Sleeping doesn't count, and it wouldn't anyways because I don't sleep in silence. The TV has to be on. When it goes off, I wake up and turn it back on or else I can't sleep.

Say What?!
Yep. I'm gonna try to do nothing for 15 minutes. No talking, background music, TV or computer games. I won't use the time to study or clean, either. (ha...me...cleaning? Yeah, right.) But before you call it a colossal misappropriation of time, let me say this: it's only 15 minutes. How much more time do you spend each week doing things that are just as productive? Playing with your phone. Checking Facebook. Channel surfing, only to turn the TV off in the end because there's "nothing good on"...

Why?
Because silence and I are mere steps from being mortal enemies. I hate quiet almost as much as hate sitting and doing nothing. But perhaps a little slow down and stop will do me some good (ugh, I feel dirty having written that >_<).  What really made me come up with this is that I can honestly say that I need some time to think. I avoid deep introspective thought as much as I can, because rarely if ever does anything good come from it. But after having a painfully emotion-filled Wednesday (yeah...it wasn't pretty, there was lots of eye water), I can easily say that I really need to take a step back. Most people would just say they need some 'me time'. I don't have children or a spouse, so I don't really get the whole concept. My 'me time' usually consists of blowing things up onscreen and gamer raging until I can't remember why I started playing in the first place. I am a MASTER of distraction. So this will be a rough week. Not because of physical pain, but because I can think of at least a few things that will likely come up and I'll have no choice but to take them on. With that said, to my readers who believe (and for those who don't): pray that I make it through this week and come out at a better point (or at one that's not too much lower)

Week 6 Already?!

Week 6? Hot dang I'm already halfway through the year. Anyways, I'm trying to figure out what to do...

But before I get into that, a not-so-quick note on what I'm NOT going to do:

• Encourage someone everyday

• Say something kind to someone everyday

• Apologize to someone everyday

On the surface, I'm sure they all look like pretty harmless, if not downright beneficial, ideas. But think about it: for me to do any of those things as a week-long challenge would be like giving a kid a gold star because they did their homework. Why reward someone for something they're supposed to be doing, anyway? And THAT is why I won't do it. Whether or not I'm currently doing those things (or at least,doing them when I should) is beside the point. The fact is, encouraging someone shouldn't be a weekly challenge. Being kind shouldn't be a challenge (though for me, more often than not it is, because I'm more of a 'speak first, think later, don't backtrack' type of person) Apologizing...ah...my favorite thing to do...NOT. I'll do it if I have to. I can, in the last year, think of ONE time when I apologized because I absolutely had to.  I was having dreams about this isht. No joke. It was messing with my sleep and pissing me off all kinds of bad. So I picked up the phone, swallowed my pride (choking quite a bit in the process) and said "Hey, I'm sorry." Looking back, it was kind of (really) a waste, because nothing changed. But hey, I said my peace and did my bit.  Additionally, if I've got to apologize to someone EVERYDAY for a week, that's a lot of screwing up. Seven DIFFERENT apologies to seven DIFFERENT people? Yeah, no. Unless I get to plan it...but then it wouldn't really be an apology as much as an admission of intent. Could be fun, though...
*Punch an idiot* "Sorry I broke your nose."
*Tell a few kids what I really think about them...in Korean* "Sorry I called you a waste of time and energy and suggested that the money your parents spend on this academy would be better spent on a selection of things to beat you with."
*Stank-Eye an old lady when she tries to cut in front of me in line* "Sorry I'm not Korean and won't politely stand by as you attempt to push your way in front of me even though I'm obviously in line. MOVE TO THE BACK!"
Yes, yes, yes...I could definitely have fun with that one. Although doing all that would defeat the purpose.

Again, a friend suggested giving up men. A different friend than in May, but the same suggestion. (Really now, I'm not man-crazy. I just have a very healthy appreciation for *very* good-looking members of the opposite sex) That's not going to happen. For a while, it would have been a good (albeit painfully difficult) week, but it's no longer necessary. I'm sorta kinda *really* stuck on just one for now. And yes, it's disgusting. The high-pitched squealing, rainbow farting, glitter puking unicorn takes over whenever his name pops up on caller ID (as evidenced by my prancing out of the bar like a fairy on Speed to answer the phone).

On to what I AM considering:


Carry my Bible with me EVERYWHERE I go
I considered it, but logistically it's way left field. I'm not taking it to the bathroom or carrying it around between sets at the gym. If I had a pocket copy, perhaps. But seeing as how I don't (I've got a nice full-sized one, complete with a case), I'll pass on that option. Then I thought to myself "well, I have one on my phone!" But there's nothing different about that, then. I tend to keep my phone on me most of the time anyways.

Call someone I haven't talked to recently
 Ah ha. NOW we're onto something. I really don't like calling people. I hate it, hate it, hate it! I used to not mind, but somewhere between my junior year of college and graduation, I picked up this almost..."fear"...of calling people. I know exactly where it's from, too (thanks, JerkFace). I had to call a friend of mine once. I'd never called him even though we'd been hanging out and getting into all kinds of trouble together for 3+ years. I finally did it and thanked God when he didn't answer. I like sending text messages or using chatting applications. They're much easier, but calling someone just seems more personal. So this one's a maybe. Seems like a good way to reconnect with some otherwise far away people.

Spend at least 15 minutes in silence (or as close to silence as possible)
This one actually kind of scares me. I don't like quiet. I don't like silence. I need noise and constant stimulation. I can't even fall asleep unless the TV is on or something is playing on my laptop.  I know that it's all part of avoiding the silence, because I can't stand it. When it's quiet, I think and reflect and contemplate and make myself all kinds of uncomfortable. But then again, perhaps a bit of silence would do me some good. I've got a lot going on in my (apparently rather small) head, perhaps I could get some good out of the silence and figure some things out...