November 26, 2013

Let It Go- Day 3

And THIS is why I can't really be a "true blogger". I don't write daily or weekly, I don't even write bi-weekly, and I still can't stick to a schedule. 8 ~9 days a month. That's all that's required and I still can't get it done *facepalm*

I tried again today. I opened my closet again, and tried. And failed. I managed to get a SINGLE shirt and a SINGLE jacket. Everything just has its own purpose. The fear of needing things after you've gotten rid of them, there must be a word for that. Especially since it actually happens to me all the time.  I once held onto an old piece of Velcro for almost a year. It was just a little scrap, not even the size of the space bar on most keyboards. I tossed it out because I was cleaning and hadn't used it for anything. THE VERY NEXT DAY I was making something for my class and what did I need? Just a little bit of....VELCRO.

With that in mind, I was more than hesitant, but was able to force myself to toss a SINGLE t-shirt and a pair of Coach heels. It's not like I wore the heels, or even liked them, but they were COACH...dang

November 24, 2013

Let It Go- Day 2

Now that the pain that is "inventory" has been completed, onto the actual "letting go".

I was very driven when I flung my closet doors open, ready to do some "life lightening" this morning. Yeah...easier said than done. After touching almost EVERYTHING in my closet/drawers at least once, I realized that I may have some "ownership" issues.

Now, why on Earth would I think that? It's quite simple, actually. Despite the fact that I know my reasons for holding onto things are stupid, I still own them. What kind of stupid? THIS kind of stupid...*Stop me if you've heard any of these before*

- He bought them for me and I've never traveled there (gift from an ex-boyfriend)
- The store is gone! I can't buy any more! (t-shirts from my favorite *now non-existent* store)
- What if we become friends again? (cards/things from people I never want to see again)
- They were on sale! (The Raptor shoes...death-sentence footwear I bought in Taiwan)
- It was expensive! ($90 jacket I purchased and wore ONCE)
- It's pretty! (Dress I got on sale that I'll likely never have an occasion to wear in public)

And so it began. I grabbed a bookmark and some jewelry first and tossed them into a bag. Not only do I not like those items, but I straight up despise the people who gave them to me. Why do I still have stuff from the only ex-boyfriend to make me cry like a pansy? No, really...WHY?! Why am I so desperately holding onto bookmarks and trinkets when: 1) I don't read books 2) trinkets are useless and 3) I don't like the person who gave them to me?

In a way, I guess it really is "life lightening". Remember the 90s music videos when people would break up and the girl (or guy) would toss/burn everything from the now-ex? That's how I feel about my life at the moment. Heck, I don't even have to hate the giver, but if I don't actively LIKE them, why do I want something they've given me hanging around? Time to put on angry music and get rid of stuff!

There are two exceptions, though only the week will tell if those remain by the end.
1) Winter boots from my high school ex-boyfriend (because those are some n-i-c-e boots and I don't have other winter shoes)
2) A handmade hemp necklace from the same ex-boyfriend (It looks nice)

More to come, along with pictures of "progress"

November 23, 2013

Let It Go- Day 1

Not my room...but the statement is still true
Baby steps. And I do mean b-a-b-y steps. At first, 25% seemed like so much. Actually, after I wrote "one-fourth", I was so tempted to go back and edit the entry and make it smaller. But no. What's done is done, and having run through a quick inventory, I think that maybe 25% isn't enough!

Let's get started, shall we?
In my tiny studio apartment (not including my *full* laundry basket and stuff hanging out to dry), I have:

13 Pairs of jeans/pants/shorts
10 T-shirts
11 Coats/jackets
8 Dresses/skirts
12 Shirts used ONLY for working out/sleeping
5 Sweaters
3 Purses
15 Pairs of shoes
11  Necklaces

This was, of course, not an exhaustive inventory. There was NO WAY I was about to empty my closet to get an accurate count, especially considering the fact that I just finished cleaning my room! And it's just the wearable stuff. That doesn't include books, games, dishes, electronics and other stuff.

EIGHT dresses and skirts? ELEVEN coats?! ELEVEN necklaces?! FIFTEEN pairs of shoes?!

Allow me to break down "the ridiculous" even more:
Coats/jackets: 4 dress coats, 2 summer cover-up hoodies, 2 winter coats, and 3 slummy jackets that are borderline People of Walmart

Shoes: 5 pairs of  4"+ heels (because when I wear heels, I wear heels), 4 pairs of tennis shoes, one pair of winter boots, 3 pairs of summer shoes and one pair of "I don't care, but shoes are required".

Necklaces: 3 pearls, 2 heart pendants, 2 tribals, 3 chains and one hemp.

Just going over all of that made me angry. I mean, if you were to see me on a daily basis, you'd think I have less than half of that. My wardrobe that sees the light of day consists of 2 pairs of pants, the same pair of "I don't care, but required" shoes and a giant hoodie because dressing up and pretending to care can go play in traffic.

With that in mind, the sheer amount seems like gross excess to me. Even more so when I remember that I have an almost full room back Stateside.  I'm not at all eager to get rid of stuff...IT'S MY STUFF! But, I don't need it. I don't use it. It's taking up space. Now that the easy part is over, I'll start the hard stuff tomorrow....

November 22, 2013

Week 11- Let It Go

I didn't forget about you, and I haven't died (yet).   I have had the most ridiculous month, and I'd rather not re-live it. In fact, I'd like to pretend that November never happened.

No, there wasn't anything particularly awful that happened (though I did find myself several drinks beyond "done" more than a few times). It's more that this month was a waste. I was waking up at 10am, not getting out of bed until five minutes before I was supposed to BE at work. Then I'd go home and flop on the sofa until 1am or the pills kicked in, whatever came first.

I'd actually thought about doing this for a while, but it seems that with "Thanksgiving" coming around it makes more sense. What am I talking about? It's quite simple, actually...

Here's the Deal
I'm going to get rid of 1/4 of my belongings. (clothes, shoes, dishes and so on)

Say What?!
Yes, you read that correctly. One-fourth. A Quarter. 25%. One-in-four.
It seems like a lot, but it really isn't.

Because I have a an apartment full of isht PLUS a fully-stocked room in the United States AND stuff in a storage unit.

Because of the 14+ shirts I own, I wear a steady rotation of six or seven.

Because I need to start letting isht go. I pride myself on doing what I want, when I want with no apologies. But I can't do that with an apartment full of stuff.

It's November, (for me) the holidays have officially started. Thanksgiving, my birthday (it's a holiday...look it up. It's called "KiteGirl Founding Day aka The Day the Earth Went Off the Awesome Scale"), Christmas, Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, New Year's Day....

Usually we say "I'm thankful for XXX" It's usually friends, family, a house, a car, a job...blah blah blah blah. I'm thankful for all of those things, but I guess this year I'm also thankful that I am finally starting to get okay with getting rid of stuff. (I'll detail this more as the week progresses).

And on a more practical note: I'm *hopefully* moving in February. Less stuff = easier move.

November 3, 2013

Reading Rainbow- To be continued...

Notice anything...missing, like Reading Rainbow days 3-7?

That's because they never happened.

Yep. for the second time this year I've totally failed. It wasn't that it was too hard, I mean, it was only a bunch of words on a bunch of pages. It was more that I just didn't care and didn't feel like it. Truth be told, I could probably make it if I read today. I plowed through a psychology textbook from cover-to-cover over 3 days during my freshman year of college. With that in mind, it's not that it was too difficult, it's just that I didn't feel like doing it. I didn't care then and still don't now.

For the past few weeks, it's been hard enough convincing myself to get out of bed, eat  and put on clean clothes for work. So sitting down reading about the power of words really wasn't on my radar.

I chose the book because I thought I needed it, if that makes any sense. After all, coming off of 5 months of sleep deprivation and isolation because of studying wasn't exactly fun.  Perhaps I did need the message and still do, but for now, I'm gonna pass on it (at least until after getting dressed and pretending to care isn't such a chore).


being the stubborn person I am, I'm going to try again this month. I'll go through a book in a week. It won't be that book, but it'll still be a paper and ink book. So there will be two weeks for November.

October 29, 2013

Reading Rainbow- Day 2

Halloween is coming soon.

Up until now, it has easily been one of my favorite holidays. It brings out even more of my out-there childish side. But this year, I can honestly say: I don't care.  Perhaps I'm giving in to the people who keep saying that Halloween is for kids and slutbags. I just don't feel like going out and buying or making a costume for a day to play with kids I barely tolerate at a job that's moving toward soul-sucking. And so this year, I have a plan: I will go home and do whatever I feel like. If it happens to be Halloween themed, great. and if not, oh well.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately. Let alone read. Perhaps God has a strange sense of humor. During a time when I'd rather sleep my time away, I'm supposed to be reading a book about the power of words.

Wanna know how far I've gotten? 28 pages. Yup. Because that's how awesome I am. Two days in on a 200-something page book and I've just reached page 28.  I should have gotten further along in the book, but I just couldn't today.

Something about the content today just...infuriated me. There I was, stuck in a jail-cell of a classroom with a bunch of precious snowflakes who didn't know what to do when someone says "조용히!" (Be quiet!) and I was supposed to be on break, chugging through a book about the power of words and how we breathe life into our words. (HA!) Oh, I had some powerful words I would have LOVED to see come to life, all right. I had more than a few things I would have liked to have breathed some life into. Like a few rounds with a nice resilient whipping switch, for starters...

On a side note: I'm not usually this easily aggravated. I just haven't been having it lately and the whole "I have to pretend to give a crap about Halloween' thing was really weighing on me (among other things). But man...none of it was sinking in then, and it still hasn't now.

I really regret not choosing something darker or more scientific. The optimist in me lost out quite some time ago, and so reading about how "changing your words will change your life" really seems to be an exercise in banging my head on a wall.

It's kind of like this: when you're having a lousy day, you don't want people to say "hey, cheer up, here's some good news!" or " could be worse", or even better "it's all in how you look at it" (or some variation of the aforementioned) . I don't know about you, but for me, I want to be left alone. If I want someone to cheer me up, I'll let you know. And no, I've never said "hey, I'm feeling bad. Can you help me cheer up?". Know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE CHEERED UP, DAMMIT! Sometimes a good hissy fit is all you need to make yourself feel better.  But dang, it feels like the book is trying to do the cheering up, without an invitation...

October 28, 2013

Reading Rainbow- Day 1

I. Do. Not. Approve.
No, really. I don't.
I wish I'd chosen something else, because it's 11:00 pm on Day One and I've only read about a paragraph of 200 some-odd pages. I tried. I really did. But I've not been in the mood (nor am I now) to read page after page of positive self-help-y type writing when I'd rather go on a punching spree, letting everyone know e-x-a-c-t-l-y how I feel about everything.

It's been one of those days. and it's even more frustrating because if you think about it, it shouldn't be too hard. I'll be 27 in a little over a month, and I'm still having temper tantrums because it's "reading time". I suppose I'll never really come across as an intellectual in that sense. Sitting down for hours and reading just isn't something I enjoy. I don't wanna read! I don't want to hear about how great my life can be and how it's all "just in how you look at things." Saying "It's all in the power of words" really doesn't help me right now. Sure, because of that, I'm probably the exact person this book was written for, but I'm just not up for it right now.

I want to crawl back into my nice dark niche of criminal analysis, Japanese mechs (mechanical warfare *like Transformers  and Voltron*) and abnormal psychology. I want to know about the inner workings of the sociopath's mind. I want to know about the fear that grips people in the time leading up to their deaths. YOU can keep the love and sunshine, I'll take the Whiskey on the Rocks and cold hard facts.

But, I am a stubborn one. And so, despite all of this, I WILL read this book from cover to cover by next Sunday night.

*Someone once said I was a mix of Gil Grissom,  Horatio Cain and and Spencer Reid...(of CSI Las Vegas, CSI Miami and Criminal Minds) looking at my choice of literature, I'm not quite sure how to take that*

My favorite book when I was in high school ^^
I still have this thing somewhere in my house...

October 27, 2013

Week 10- Reading Rainbow

You KNOW you loved that show, and that you will NEVER forget to "take a look, it's in a book, Reading Rainbow!!!!"

I didn't forget, and I didn't leave this until the last minute. This was actually quite well planned out. You see, for the past 4+ months, I've been cramming words and grammar and cultural concepts into my poor little brain in preparation for a Korean test. The Test of Proficiency in Korean, to be exact. I have some things that I *think* I want to do, and had to study constantly. I've never studied like that in my life, nor do I ever plan on doing so again.

What do you mean? You should always be learning and studying! Yes, that is true. I am pretty sure, however, that whoever came up with that didn't intend for people to study the way I did. Clinically diagnosed Sleep Deprivation. I was going to the gym at 3am (because a day without a workout is blasphemy, physical exhaustion be damned) and still getting up at 7 to study. It was ugly. Seriously, I fell asleep mid-sentence a few times while was that bad. With that in mind, my week 10 is more than acceptable, as far as I'm concerned. ;

Here's the Deal
I'm going to read a book from cover to cover in a week.

Say What?!
I'm going to read a book. But, not just any book. This one has NO pictures, no illustrations and isn't a textbook. I'm weird and like reading textbooks for fun (I'm currently working through Carol Rizzolo's Illuminating the Twilight. It's quite an insight into the psychology of death and dying). Something about a well-written psychology textbook is really interesting.

Also, this is an actual paper book. I love my Kindle and I enjoy the convenience, but there's just something about physically holding a book that makes it much more satisfying. Besides, I'm not known for being graceful. With a paper book, I can toss it across the room, drop it and never have to worry about running out of battery power.

Why books? Because, silly..."books are your friends".
My current reading list is the strategy guide for Binary Domain, daily positive thought so cheesy they make me want to puke, drink it and puke again,  and about 130-some odd Japanese webcomics that update on sadly irregular intervals. Knowledge is power. Based on what I read, I only know how NOT to behave in Japan, after school specials  and what to do if a Scraphead is coming at me if I'm down to one health bar and outta ammo. So yeah, based on my reading list, I'm a rather simple person.

This particular book is different, though. Almost all of my books (my Bible, as well) have pictures. This book has no pictures. I'll try to get through it, but make no promises at all. The last time I remember really being into a series, I finished it and then realized that it was written for teenagers (target audience/maturity level FAIL).

I need a POSITIVE distraction, as well. For the past week, I've been blowing up robots and watching SpongeBob, hoping it would keep certain things at bay, but alas, my efforts met with failure. In order to escape some things, a more....proactive approach is required. And yes, I did just admit that I'm running like hell in the opposite direction of  more than a few things.

My standard type of picture-less book: a psychological analysis of evil...

My book for the week: 200+ pages of positive stuff

October 8, 2013


No. I didn't forget about you. I didn't forget about the blog. Actually, it's been on my mind all week.

I did it. I sat down and wrote letters to people. I took the time with a paper and pen and put the words down.

At first, it was really hard. Considering the things I read and the things I'm capable of, my letter-writing was (and still is) surprisingly immature.  What do I mean? This:

Dear (name):
Hi! How are you? I'm fine. How have things been going.....
(blah blah blah blah blah)

Take care,
It was kind of sad, actually. I speak 3.5 languages (Spanish is the .5, it would take me some time to get back into that). I read psychology textbooks for fun. I enjoy crosswords, Sudoku, Scrabble, Mahjong and several other "intellectual"-type pursuits. But my letter writing would never reflect that...

I chose only 7 letters to send. I wrote several more, but voted against them. I picked people from my past and my present. There were a few obvious choices, and a few not so obvious ones.  I have to say, I was also surprised by the letters themselves.  Re-reading them, you would almost think that a different person wrote each one. The mood and language and style are just so....different. They are all painfully immature, but each in their own way.

Letters are conversations. Whether or not they are ongoing or two-way conversations is up to the sender and receiver. With that said, I asked questions that I actually wanted answered. I tried to avoid just rambling and "newslettering".

Among the letters that weren't sent, there was one that stood out. It was a letter to myself. You see, on Sunday, I damn near had a complete and total meltdown in a coffee shop. I couldn't do it. After months of studying and cramming and memorizing and drilling and blah blah blah I just hit a point where I was DONE. There was almost some eyewater, it was so bad. After staring at the same concept for 10 minutes and having nothing make sense, I was ready to call it quits and say 'screw this test' and go get friendly with my well-stocked liquor shelf. But I didn't. I picked up the pen and just started writing. It was a scathing letter or reproach, at least it started out that way.
"How dare you" "pansy" "#*$@*!" "Grow a pair"  "suck it up"...Yeah, those were the nicer things in the start. But as I continued writing, the tone changed completely. "Don't quit" "I know it's hard, but..." "it's okay" "you can do it". So it really was a conversation, with myself. Sounds nutso, but it is what it is.

On a much less aggressive level, the same thing happened in the letters I wrote to others. Particularly two of them. They began very cut-and-dry. "Hi. I hope you're well. I'm okay..." But later on it got more sincere.  "I miss this." "do you remember that?" It brought back all kinds of things that I hadn't thought of.

So, I suppose in a way, that letter-writing is healing. (If that's the right word). Writing about one good memory gave rise to another and another then another. I could have written pages, but I figured that I should only subject people to small doses of my barely-legible handwriting at a time (seriously, I must be a genius, because my handwriting is crap! hahaha)

I think I might hold on to this one for a while. If for no other reason than that I bought a pad of letter-writing paper and might as well use it for the intended purpose.

September 29, 2013

Week 9- A Letter to...

Week 9 is rushed and late and all kinds of lame and I'm sorry. I just....haven't been myself lately (even more so than usual). I believe I have mastered the art of "spazzing", though. If I keep it up, I might give someone ELSE a heart attack....

Here's the Deal
I'll be writing a letter to at least two people a day.

Say What?!
It doesn't seem like much, but think about it: a letter. An actual handwritten letter. It'll have to be something substantial, as well, because I'm mailing these letters internationally (for the most part, at least) so none of this second-grade pen pal business.

Because when was the last time you got a letter in the mail? I mean an actual letter. And a handwritten one, at that. e-mail is lovely, I have an ongoing love-hate relationship with Skype, and Facebook makes it seem like I'm right next to EVERY person I know (I still haven't decided if that's a good thing or not)...

The last time I got a letter in the mail long ago I can't remember. It means a lot more (at least I think it does) when someone takes the time to put pen (NEVER PENCIL!) on paper and write something out. Sure, my handwriting is garbage (or 'chicken-scratch' as my twin brother so lovingly puts it), so it'll take a little deciphering, but I think it's a bit get a letter when someone has actually written it by hand. Besides, typing is overrated. There are little nuances (in my writing, at least) that can never show up in type-written work.

Plus, I don't know about you, but I LIKE getting letters in the mail. Most of what I get is bills, advertisements and stuff to the previous tenant. Something for me that's not requesting payment or suggesting I spend (or donate) money would be a nice change....

I'll write to just about anyone, even if I don't know you, so send me an address!

Yes, I own a calligraphy pen. No, I have NO idea or desire to use it. I can barely use a pencil properly!