Liar Liar- Day 3

I'm propped up against an over sized teddy bear on my laundry floor as I write this. I want to hear the rain. *yep, it's gonna be one of those posts*

Once again, I failed miserably.

I nearly lost it with my boss and reverted to my "it's okay, never mind, forget it" to avoid going completely ballistic on her. Money was involved and she was (and continues to) play the stupid cheapskate.

So I got home and poured myself a rather stiff drink. A bit too stiff, actually. I couldn't focus because my good buddy Abolut was coursing through my bloodstream...But I guess that was supposed to happen, because I relaxed. And then it happened.

I thought of someone from my past and said "Screw him. I don't care." THAT'S  a lie if I ever heard one. I don't care about him as a human being.What I do care about is what he said. It was an echo of something I've been fighting with since I decided to give a damn about boys. What? Okay, I'll tell you. But promise not to yell at your screen, okay?

but....you're black.

Yep. He (along with my other 2 well-chosen exes) seemed like a nice guy, and he was fun and I liked being around him and that phrase came out of his mouth.  Kicked me flat on my face. Of course, I sucked it up and laughed it off. But the moment the door closed, I cried until it hurt to breathe.

Boo-hoo, sad friggin' story. This isn't a diary. This is about lying. And what THAT has to do with THIS is that I see that even now I lie to myself. I say "I don't care." when I  really do. I care a lot. I can't wrap my head around how people can still be hung up on skin color. And it's not even old people. No. It's people my age and younger. So that's one lie that I hope will soon become truth. I want to say "I don't care" and honestly not care. But yeah...I pretend that I don't care when people stare at us (myself and the Unicorn Waker *he's Korean*) . I say "I know." when he says "너 만 본다." ("I only see you") I laugh it off when he asks if I'm jealous...

Lying has become ingrained in my life, whether I like it or not. And the more that I look at it and try to fight it, the harder it gets. The 'socially acceptable'  and  'white lies' are what I'm really having a hard time with this week.

I wanted to rail into my boss and tell her where to stick her cheap self, but I didn't. I held back and said "no no, it's fine" to avoid a conflict that might have gotten me fired ("calm conflict" or simple "heated discussions" and I do NOT know how to get along).

AND THEN I WROTE REPORT CARDS.
40+ pages of stylized lying; all for the sake of the precious snowflakes.
What I wrote: Little Jack is a great kid, but needs to settle down a little.
What I meant: Your child is demon spawn, submerge him in holy water.

What I wrote: Susie doesn't participate much.
What I meant: Half the time I don't know if she's in class, or just an empty shell, because the only sound I ever hear from her is shoes on the way in and out


What I said: Learning is an active process.
What I meant: WAKE UP, DANGIT! DROOLING ON MY TEXTBOOK ISN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY SUCK THE MATERIAL INTO YOUR BRAIN!

What I said: She has a hard time focusing
What I meant: Yes, yes, I know. The world is ending because your new school uniform is ugly. Text and scream about it AFTER class.

What I said: I hope to see some improvement next month.
What I meant: Your child is an idiot. You might want to keep a close eye on him, as he'll likely find a way to drown in a urinal.

What I said: I'd like to see him put in more effort.
What I meant: If you're going to copy another student's answers, make sure their answers are right. Or at least, COPY FROM THE CORRECT BOOK, STUPID!

And so on and so forth. Because in a hagwon (private tutoring school) you can't tell the parents that their precious snowflakes are anything but supercalifragilisticexpialagenius.

Liar Liar- Day 2

Day two was...a look into why people lie.

The day started out well enough. But then I called my cousin. I really liked talking to her, but then I spoke to my grandmother. I love my grandmother, at least I think I do, in the sense that she's my grandmother. But that's where the reason behind lying comes in.

She's old, to put it lightly, somewhere around late 80's, if I remember correctly. She's also not in the best of health, mentally or physically. Memory problems...you see where I'm going with this? Yeah...The conversation ran the usual bit and then she asked about my older brother. I stopped. I was going to tell her that he's been dead for more than five years now, but I couldn't tell her that. She sounded so happy when talking about him, she mentioned how he was the first person that she was going to visit when she went back home. And, I remember hearing the pain in her voice when I reminded her last time we spoke that he was dead. It wasn't even because of this week that I was going to tell her, but simply because it was fact, and in a way, it pissed me off. I remember the phone call that brought me to the floor. I remember taking exams and pretending to give a damn about the ethics of using children to advertise when I was going to watch them bury him days later. remember going to his funeral and looking at his cold, lifeless body. How I'd love to forget that. Yes, she's at a loss because she can't remember, but there are times I wish I could do that...forget that he was gone. But, I can't. I'm not saying that I wish for decreasing functionality via memory loss...but....yeah.

So I didn't tell her. I just said "yeah, okay. okay. okay." That was #1

The rest of the day went without much happening.

I'm wondering when the next one will come up, though. This one with that word in it. I say it, but I don't know if I mean it. at least, I'm not 100% sure that I mean it. I've thought I meant it before, but even if it's not on purpose, if you say something and it's not true, then it's a lie...
"I love you" is one of the worst lies you can tell, as far as I'm concerned...and yet...

I'm finding that I lie to myself, too. On the treadmill yesterday, I kept saying "you're almost finished! Just a few more minutes!" knowing full well that I intended to run for a good bit longer. Then when I finished I said "it's better than nothing". Yeah, no it wasn't. Heh. On to day 3...

Liar Liar- Day 1

Hah, so it was a bit harder than I thought it would be. 

Why? Because I had to ask for a paystub and my boss threw a fit. Within 15 minutse of getting to work, the first fib surfaced. Apparently, asking for a paystub is saying that I don't trust her to take the proper deductions. While yes, that is true, that's not the ONLY reason I want it. I'd like to have a record of my income for myself, and a piece of paper smaller than a Post-it isn't cutting it anymore.

So, I told her that I needed it for the bank, that got her to mellow a bit, but I mean, DAMN. Is a paystub really such a big deal? It's bad enough that I don't have a set payday, but then that sorry excuse for a paystub...yeah, no.

Then along came #2...this was non-verbal.
One of my students came in super excited and rambled off some long story in Korean about her class and her dad and something else...and I didn't understand a good 70~80 percent of it, yet I smiled and nodded and picked up on enough of her nonverbal cues to know to laugh and say "아! 정말! 재미있겠다!" (Ah, really! That sounds like fun!). That's another thing I really need to stop, but that's part of what this week is for. Living in a foreign country, I've gotten R-E-A-L-L-Y  good at picking up on non-verbal cues and just being able to pretend that I understand.

I can get by based on context, but, considering what I'm trying to undertake, that's not going to work. I'm realizing that even more now, as I have conversations with He Who Wakes the Rainbow Farting Unicorn and miss important details.

Then there was #3...
I got a message and pretended that I didn't see it, because I didn't feel like answering. It wouldn't have killed me, but MAN, I just didn't want to talk to them.


And that was it for day 1.

Week 8- Liar Liar...

pants on fire, hanging from the telephone wire...


So I've been thinking about what to do for August. I didn't forget, and I didn't fall off the map. I just...didn't want to fill in the blanks with something trivial or stupid (I've got more than a few ideas along those lines, like eating only processed food or only drinking diet soda or ending every sentence with "meow"...). but I've decided, as you may have guessed from the title.


100% honesty (or as close as possible)

Here's the Deal
I know, I know. It sounds like the way it should be anyways, but it's not. You and I both know that. I'm not just talking excuses and big things, I'm nixing the little white lies we tell as well, both verbally AND non-verbally. for the week, I want to see what happens when I'm completely honest. Can I even do it without going full she-witch? It'll be a bit more difficult because I'm a teacher, and as we all know, the feelings of the precious snowflakes known as students must be kept in mind while gently guiding them along the pathway of education (despite the fact that often, resisting the urge to put that hardcover dictionary to good use on the back of their head is quite difficult.) I won't be able to smile and say "good job, at least you tried" or "yes, that's fine" and move on, just to avoid frustration.

Say What?!
I will be ENTIRELY honest for a week. White lies, "smile-and nods" and other non-verbal communication, included. It also includes lying by omission to "keep the peace" or "make things easier". I'm not gonna go on a rampage and use it as a chance to rip into everyone I've ever wanted to, though...that would take far too long and I'll still need to deal with people after this week is over.

Why?
I want to see what happens when I cut the niceties and just say what's what. A bit more difficult than it sounds, because it is NOT a license to go full-on douche. Because it'd be really easy, and actually a bit enjoyable at first. But there's this l-i-t-t-l-e thing called "socially acceptable behavior" that stands in the way, haha.

Most of us are prolific liars. Not in the sense that people usually see the phrase to the point where you can't be believed about anything, but really...think about it. We tell "white lies" "half truths" "save face" and "spare feelings".Think you don't? Quick check...when's the last time you said or did any of these:
-"I'm fine" when you weren't?
-pretended you were tired (or busy, or had to go or something come up) to avoid a conversation?
-set your status/phone/skype to "busy" even though you weren't?
-"oh, no problem" "it's okay" or some variation when it wasn't true?
-asked about someone you know you don't give a damn about just talk ( a la "how's so-and-so"?)
-smiled and said "nice to meet you" or "have a good day" despite not caring?
-"I'm leaving now" or "I'll be there in 5 minutes"...
-pretended not to hear someone 
-"you look fine" "you look great" "I LOVE your hair!"

Yeah, more common that you thought, huh? Back to my point: even a lot of the socially programmed interactions "hi, how are you?" "I'm fine, you?" are lies. It's not having a conversation, it's filling in the blanks. Going through an oft-rehearsed scene. Harmless, but still lies. I can appreciate this point. If it's not true, then it's false. There is no gray area. It can't be "kind of true". It's either a yes or a no. You did or you didn't. It is or it isn't. Absolutes are wonderful.

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kinda bad...

This week will be a test of the tongue, to put it lightly,. I've a feeling that I'll be a bit less...'vocal' than usual...