Once again, I failed miserably.
I nearly lost it with my boss and reverted to my "it's okay, never mind, forget it" to avoid going completely ballistic on her. Money was involved and she was (and continues to) play the stupid cheapskate.
So I got home and poured myself a rather stiff drink. A bit too stiff, actually. I couldn't focus because my good buddy Abolut was coursing through my bloodstream...But I guess that was supposed to happen, because I relaxed. And then it happened.
I thought of someone from my past and said "Screw him. I don't care." THAT'S a lie if I ever heard one. I don't care about him as a human being.What I do care about is what he said. It was an echo of something I've been fighting with since I decided to give a damn about boys. What? Okay, I'll tell you. But promise not to yell at your screen, okay?
but....you're black.
Yep. He (along with my other 2 well-chosen exes) seemed like a nice guy, and he was fun and I liked being around him and that phrase came out of his mouth. Kicked me flat on my face. Of course, I sucked it up and laughed it off. But the moment the door closed, I cried until it hurt to breathe.
Boo-hoo, sad friggin' story. This isn't a diary. This is about lying. And what THAT has to do with THIS is that I see that even now I lie to myself. I say "I don't care." when I really do. I care a lot. I can't wrap my head around how people can still be hung up on skin color. And it's not even old people. No. It's people my age and younger. So that's one lie that I hope will soon become truth. I want to say "I don't care" and honestly not care. But yeah...I pretend that I don't care when people stare at us (myself and the Unicorn Waker *he's Korean*) . I say "I know." when he says "너 만 본다." ("I only see you") I laugh it off when he asks if I'm jealous...
Lying has become ingrained in my life, whether I like it or not. And the more that I look at it and try to fight it, the harder it gets. The 'socially acceptable' and 'white lies' are what I'm really having a hard time with this week.
I wanted to rail into my boss and tell her where to stick her cheap self, but I didn't. I held back and said "no no, it's fine" to avoid a conflict that might have gotten me fired ("calm conflict" or simple "heated discussions" and I do NOT know how to get along).
AND THEN I WROTE REPORT CARDS.
40+ pages of stylized lying; all for the sake of the precious snowflakes.
What I wrote: Little Jack is a great kid, but needs to settle down a little.
What I meant: Your child is demon spawn, submerge him in holy water.
What I wrote: Susie doesn't participate much.
What I meant: Half the time I don't know if she's in class, or just an empty shell, because the only sound I ever hear from her is shoes on the way in and out
What I said: Learning is an active process.
What I meant: WAKE UP, DANGIT! DROOLING ON MY TEXTBOOK ISN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY SUCK THE MATERIAL INTO YOUR BRAIN!
What I said: She has a hard time focusing
What I meant: Yes, yes, I know. The world is ending because your new school uniform is ugly. Text and scream about it AFTER class.
What I said: I hope to see some improvement next month.
What I meant: Your child is an idiot. You might want to keep a close eye on him, as he'll likely find a way to drown in a urinal.
What I said: I'd like to see him put in more effort.
What I meant: If you're going to copy another student's answers, make sure their answers are right. Or at least, COPY FROM THE CORRECT BOOK, STUPID!
And so on and so forth. Because in a hagwon (private tutoring school) you can't tell the parents that their precious snowflakes are anything but supercalifragilisticexpialagenius.
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