Week 9- FINISHED

No. I didn't forget about you. I didn't forget about the blog. Actually, it's been on my mind all week.

I did it. I sat down and wrote letters to people. I took the time with a paper and pen and put the words down.

At first, it was really hard. Considering the things I read and the things I'm capable of, my letter-writing was (and still is) surprisingly immature.  What do I mean? This:

Dear (name):
Hi! How are you? I'm fine. How have things been going.....
(blah blah blah blah blah)

Take care,
KiteGirl

It was kind of sad, actually. I speak 3.5 languages (Spanish is the .5, it would take me some time to get back into that). I read psychology textbooks for fun. I enjoy crosswords, Sudoku, Scrabble, Mahjong and several other "intellectual"-type pursuits. But my letter writing would never reflect that...

I chose only 7 letters to send. I wrote several more, but voted against them. I picked people from my past and my present. There were a few obvious choices, and a few not so obvious ones.  I have to say, I was also surprised by the letters themselves.  Re-reading them, you would almost think that a different person wrote each one. The mood and language and style are just so....different. They are all painfully immature, but each in their own way.


Letters are conversations. Whether or not they are ongoing or two-way conversations is up to the sender and receiver. With that said, I asked questions that I actually wanted answered. I tried to avoid just rambling and "newslettering".

Among the letters that weren't sent, there was one that stood out. It was a letter to myself. You see, on Sunday, I damn near had a complete and total meltdown in a coffee shop. I couldn't do it. After months of studying and cramming and memorizing and drilling and blah blah blah I just hit a point where I was DONE. There was almost some eyewater, it was so bad. After staring at the same concept for 10 minutes and having nothing make sense, I was ready to call it quits and say 'screw this test' and go get friendly with my well-stocked liquor shelf. But I didn't. I picked up the pen and just started writing. It was a scathing letter or reproach, at least it started out that way.
"How dare you" "pansy" "#*$@*!" "Grow a pair"  "suck it up"...Yeah, those were the nicer things in the start. But as I continued writing, the tone changed completely. "Don't quit" "I know it's hard, but..." "it's okay" "you can do it". So it really was a conversation, with myself. Sounds nutso, but it is what it is.

On a much less aggressive level, the same thing happened in the letters I wrote to others. Particularly two of them. They began very cut-and-dry. "Hi. I hope you're well. I'm okay..." But later on it got more sincere.  "I miss this." "do you remember that?" It brought back all kinds of things that I hadn't thought of.

So, I suppose in a way, that letter-writing is healing. (If that's the right word). Writing about one good memory gave rise to another and another then another. I could have written pages, but I figured that I should only subject people to small doses of my barely-legible handwriting at a time (seriously, I must be a genius, because my handwriting is crap! hahaha)

I think I might hold on to this one for a while. If for no other reason than that I bought a pad of letter-writing paper and might as well use it for the intended purpose.

Week 9- A Letter to...

Week 9 is rushed and late and all kinds of lame and I'm sorry. I just....haven't been myself lately (even more so than usual). I believe I have mastered the art of "spazzing", though. If I keep it up, I might give someone ELSE a heart attack....

Here's the Deal
I'll be writing a letter to at least two people a day.

Say What?!
It doesn't seem like much, but think about it: a letter. An actual handwritten letter. It'll have to be something substantial, as well, because I'm mailing these letters internationally (for the most part, at least) so none of this second-grade pen pal business.

Why?
Because when was the last time you got a letter in the mail? I mean an actual letter. And a handwritten one, at that. e-mail is lovely, I have an ongoing love-hate relationship with Skype, and Facebook makes it seem like I'm right next to EVERY person I know (I still haven't decided if that's a good thing or not)...

The last time I got a letter in the mail was...so long ago I can't remember. It means a lot more (at least I think it does) when someone takes the time to put pen (NEVER PENCIL!) on paper and write something out. Sure, my handwriting is garbage (or 'chicken-scratch' as my twin brother so lovingly puts it), so it'll take a little deciphering, but I think it's a bit more...personal...to get a letter when someone has actually written it by hand. Besides, typing is overrated. There are little nuances (in my writing, at least) that can never show up in type-written work.

Plus, I don't know about you, but I LIKE getting letters in the mail. Most of what I get is bills, advertisements and stuff to the previous tenant. Something for me that's not requesting payment or suggesting I spend (or donate) money would be a nice change....

I'll write to just about anyone, even if I don't know you, so send me an address!

Yes, I own a calligraphy pen. No, I have NO idea or desire to use it. I can barely use a pencil properly!

400 × 300 - british-legal-centre.com

Liar Liar- Day 7

The last day....at last.

While I doubt there will be any lasting changes, I'm at least a bit more aware of things.

Let me throw this out there right now:
My director is cool and all, but there are times when I just wanna smack her and say "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" Reason? The series of lies that follow.

I had made plans to meet someone after work. Work finishes at 7.30. I LOVE my TIME. Even if all I do is sit around and channel surf, it doesn't matter, because it's MY TIME. Anyways, she arranged for a potential student to come in BETWEEN 7:30 and 8, then proceeded to make it MY problem when I told her that that wasn't gonna fly. So I lied and said "okay, whatever. sure." (because I was already peeved and trying to politely explain wasn't going to work well) the girl came and was all fine and good. I was expecting a 2-3 minute meet and greet.Yeah, no. She looked at me expectantly and said "aren't you going to give her a test?" Test? I don't level test kids, especially AFTER work for a class I don't even that I know I want to teach.

Don't you just love that isht? Then she wanted me to talk to the mom and sit there and smile and nod for another 15 minutes while they blathered on in Korean about things that had nothing to do with the class. Non-verbal lies for the win. I'm so flippin' sick of the smile and nod of this place. Look, you want to work all hours of the night for next to nothing, go for it. But I don't and I won't.

Which is why I was more than a little peeved when I learned that she decided that classes were going to start on Thursday and I'd be getting about $18 per class. That's NOTHING. To say I was displeased is an understatement. "But, for Korean teachers, that's a lot of money to ask for..." I'm not a Korean teacher. At this point, I quit with the lies and said "No one would teach for $18 an hour. It's not worth it. Most private lessons start around $40 an hour. I'm getting less than half of that. Foreign teachers aren't cheap. Private lessons aren't cheap."

Then I FINALLY got to meet up with the person I was with and continued to lie...to myself. "Just one drink" "I'll go to the gym after this" "I'll study while I'm at the gym". Not so much. 1.5L of cheap Korean beer and popcorn later, and I wasn't about to go to the gym. I just wasn't feeling it. So of course, I didn't study. So glad the week is almost over. I see now that lying is a necessary evil to avoid snapping...

Liar Liar- Day 6

1) I CRAVE DEAD ANIMAL ON A PLATE.
In my last class, my students asked me what I liked better: bacon or steak. I died a little inside. Steak is the king of meats, but bacon can redeem ANYTHING!  So I rambled off something and didn't answer. My inner fatkid has been all kinds of crazy since I stopped photographing everything that went into my mouth (apparently I eat a lot less fruit and more processed cheese than I should...)

In my last class, I made myself crazy looking at photos of food porn. America, I miss you.

What I wanted...(yes, that's 4+ pounds of burger between two pizzas)

What I ate...(Sad Korean version of a BigMac)

2) Being 100% honest as a teacher would get me into serious trouble with the higher up, but get some "good teacher" points with students.
I have a class of two boys. I like their class, because it's 45 minutes long, and the one kid is usually 10-15 minutes late. By that time, I don't really have enough time left for a full lesson so...yeah. See where that's going? They asked if I liked the book we were studying. I HATE the book. And I told them so. I think now that they understand that I don't enjoy plowing through the material any more than they do, they've cut me a bit of slack, so to speak, on being the hardline study hound.

In another class, we were talking about education, specifically the Korean education system. they asked if I think hagwons are good. I gave a little disclaimer about working at one and said "as a general rule, no." There's really no need to have kids going to school during the day and then going to 5-10 DIFFERENT after school/weekend schools to learn, as well. If you want some extra help with math or want to learn about game science (which I think would be pretty cool), then go for it. But shoving a 13-year old in school from 8am-10pm and then having them go to "extra lessons" on Saturday and "church classes" all day on Sunday? STOP THE MADNESS!

3) I got a phone call that left me more than a little confused. I wish that I hadn't pretended that I understood, because now I have questions that I don't really know that I want answered.

Liar Liar- Day 5

Not much to report here, mostly because I haven't been interacting with people much.


-SIKE!-

The day started off well enough, with me lying myself silly.

"I'll study in a few minutes. Just a few more minutes and then I'll  study for sure."
Yeah, not so much. I wasted a good part of the day with that nonsense.

Then I got to church and promptly fell asleep. I've heard that it's a sign that I find church to be a comfortable place, but I have other (more "logical") reasons in mind. I'm only ever knocked out for the sermon. I wake up right as he's wrapping up, I never catch more than a few seconds at the end.

Why am I telling you this? Because afterwards the pastor asked about the sermon (I had asked for some advice and he was referencing what he had talked about) and I drew a total blank because I was way off in Sleepyland. I stumbled over a sorry attempt to answer and then he gave me the answer.

Non-verbal 1: So I sorta kinda went out with this guy (once, ONLY ONCE) and it was kinda really awkward. I did NOT want to see his face ever again. When we met, he told me that he worked in Gaeksa (the downtown area), but I didn't know at which shop. Well...I found out. It's on the main strip, and it was the place where I buy my headphones (I kill headsets on a regular basis). Anyways, the nonverbal this time was that I'm pretty sure that he saw me...and I immediately pretended that I had gotten a phone call to avoid ANY kind of interaction. I wasn't being mean, it's just that he was a COMPLETE PERVERT. (No. I'm not kidding. The FIRST *and only* time we met, he asked if we'd go to a motel...)

Non-verbal 2: of the day: So, there's a small English school under my apartment (same building, first floor) The teacher is creepy, to put it lightly. I came in from church yesterday and he goes "ah, today finish early?" I smiled and nodded "uh-huh" pretending to give a damn while resisting the urge to gag.

Liar Liar- Day 4

So...yeah. Day 4 went without much incident.


I told my kids that I "love boshintang" (Dog soup) and that I think dog tastes good. That was just for kicks because I love the expression on their faces when I say that. In reality, I've never eaten the stuff and likely never will. If I didn't know what it was it'd probably be fine, but considering that most boshintang restaurants have pictures of the "livestock" plastered everywhere, I doubt that will happen.


In a later class, I said "I don't care" when asked about the assignment I gave. They were just making me all kinds of crazy. Truth be told, I did care. I wanted to know how in the heebie-jeebies someone could be learning English at their level and not understand what I was saying.

When I look back on it, perhaps I'm being a bit hard on them, seeing as how they're only kids and they're learning a foreign language in an English-only classroom, but DAMN WAS I HEATED. Every day it's something different. "I can't find my book" "I don't know the answer" "teacher" "teacher..." "teacher..." "teacher..." I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom, because it feels like this, except that I'm a teacher, so I can get rid of them at the end of class.

Yeeeeup.

The end of the day was so "RAWR" that I found myself wanting a pack of cigarettes, and I don't even smoke.


So, I've clarified for myself another reason that people lie: to get through the day and just because they can.

Liar Liar- Day 3

I'm propped up against an over sized teddy bear on my laundry floor as I write this. I want to hear the rain. *yep, it's gonna be one of those posts*

Once again, I failed miserably.

I nearly lost it with my boss and reverted to my "it's okay, never mind, forget it" to avoid going completely ballistic on her. Money was involved and she was (and continues to) play the stupid cheapskate.

So I got home and poured myself a rather stiff drink. A bit too stiff, actually. I couldn't focus because my good buddy Abolut was coursing through my bloodstream...But I guess that was supposed to happen, because I relaxed. And then it happened.

I thought of someone from my past and said "Screw him. I don't care." THAT'S  a lie if I ever heard one. I don't care about him as a human being.What I do care about is what he said. It was an echo of something I've been fighting with since I decided to give a damn about boys. What? Okay, I'll tell you. But promise not to yell at your screen, okay?

but....you're black.

Yep. He (along with my other 2 well-chosen exes) seemed like a nice guy, and he was fun and I liked being around him and that phrase came out of his mouth.  Kicked me flat on my face. Of course, I sucked it up and laughed it off. But the moment the door closed, I cried until it hurt to breathe.

Boo-hoo, sad friggin' story. This isn't a diary. This is about lying. And what THAT has to do with THIS is that I see that even now I lie to myself. I say "I don't care." when I  really do. I care a lot. I can't wrap my head around how people can still be hung up on skin color. And it's not even old people. No. It's people my age and younger. So that's one lie that I hope will soon become truth. I want to say "I don't care" and honestly not care. But yeah...I pretend that I don't care when people stare at us (myself and the Unicorn Waker *he's Korean*) . I say "I know." when he says "너 만 본다." ("I only see you") I laugh it off when he asks if I'm jealous...

Lying has become ingrained in my life, whether I like it or not. And the more that I look at it and try to fight it, the harder it gets. The 'socially acceptable'  and  'white lies' are what I'm really having a hard time with this week.

I wanted to rail into my boss and tell her where to stick her cheap self, but I didn't. I held back and said "no no, it's fine" to avoid a conflict that might have gotten me fired ("calm conflict" or simple "heated discussions" and I do NOT know how to get along).

AND THEN I WROTE REPORT CARDS.
40+ pages of stylized lying; all for the sake of the precious snowflakes.
What I wrote: Little Jack is a great kid, but needs to settle down a little.
What I meant: Your child is demon spawn, submerge him in holy water.

What I wrote: Susie doesn't participate much.
What I meant: Half the time I don't know if she's in class, or just an empty shell, because the only sound I ever hear from her is shoes on the way in and out


What I said: Learning is an active process.
What I meant: WAKE UP, DANGIT! DROOLING ON MY TEXTBOOK ISN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY SUCK THE MATERIAL INTO YOUR BRAIN!

What I said: She has a hard time focusing
What I meant: Yes, yes, I know. The world is ending because your new school uniform is ugly. Text and scream about it AFTER class.

What I said: I hope to see some improvement next month.
What I meant: Your child is an idiot. You might want to keep a close eye on him, as he'll likely find a way to drown in a urinal.

What I said: I'd like to see him put in more effort.
What I meant: If you're going to copy another student's answers, make sure their answers are right. Or at least, COPY FROM THE CORRECT BOOK, STUPID!

And so on and so forth. Because in a hagwon (private tutoring school) you can't tell the parents that their precious snowflakes are anything but supercalifragilisticexpialagenius.

Liar Liar- Day 2

Day two was...a look into why people lie.

The day started out well enough. But then I called my cousin. I really liked talking to her, but then I spoke to my grandmother. I love my grandmother, at least I think I do, in the sense that she's my grandmother. But that's where the reason behind lying comes in.

She's old, to put it lightly, somewhere around late 80's, if I remember correctly. She's also not in the best of health, mentally or physically. Memory problems...you see where I'm going with this? Yeah...The conversation ran the usual bit and then she asked about my older brother. I stopped. I was going to tell her that he's been dead for more than five years now, but I couldn't tell her that. She sounded so happy when talking about him, she mentioned how he was the first person that she was going to visit when she went back home. And, I remember hearing the pain in her voice when I reminded her last time we spoke that he was dead. It wasn't even because of this week that I was going to tell her, but simply because it was fact, and in a way, it pissed me off. I remember the phone call that brought me to the floor. I remember taking exams and pretending to give a damn about the ethics of using children to advertise when I was going to watch them bury him days later. remember going to his funeral and looking at his cold, lifeless body. How I'd love to forget that. Yes, she's at a loss because she can't remember, but there are times I wish I could do that...forget that he was gone. But, I can't. I'm not saying that I wish for decreasing functionality via memory loss...but....yeah.

So I didn't tell her. I just said "yeah, okay. okay. okay." That was #1

The rest of the day went without much happening.

I'm wondering when the next one will come up, though. This one with that word in it. I say it, but I don't know if I mean it. at least, I'm not 100% sure that I mean it. I've thought I meant it before, but even if it's not on purpose, if you say something and it's not true, then it's a lie...
"I love you" is one of the worst lies you can tell, as far as I'm concerned...and yet...

I'm finding that I lie to myself, too. On the treadmill yesterday, I kept saying "you're almost finished! Just a few more minutes!" knowing full well that I intended to run for a good bit longer. Then when I finished I said "it's better than nothing". Yeah, no it wasn't. Heh. On to day 3...

Liar Liar- Day 1

Hah, so it was a bit harder than I thought it would be. 

Why? Because I had to ask for a paystub and my boss threw a fit. Within 15 minutse of getting to work, the first fib surfaced. Apparently, asking for a paystub is saying that I don't trust her to take the proper deductions. While yes, that is true, that's not the ONLY reason I want it. I'd like to have a record of my income for myself, and a piece of paper smaller than a Post-it isn't cutting it anymore.

So, I told her that I needed it for the bank, that got her to mellow a bit, but I mean, DAMN. Is a paystub really such a big deal? It's bad enough that I don't have a set payday, but then that sorry excuse for a paystub...yeah, no.

Then along came #2...this was non-verbal.
One of my students came in super excited and rambled off some long story in Korean about her class and her dad and something else...and I didn't understand a good 70~80 percent of it, yet I smiled and nodded and picked up on enough of her nonverbal cues to know to laugh and say "아! 정말! 재미있겠다!" (Ah, really! That sounds like fun!). That's another thing I really need to stop, but that's part of what this week is for. Living in a foreign country, I've gotten R-E-A-L-L-Y  good at picking up on non-verbal cues and just being able to pretend that I understand.

I can get by based on context, but, considering what I'm trying to undertake, that's not going to work. I'm realizing that even more now, as I have conversations with He Who Wakes the Rainbow Farting Unicorn and miss important details.

Then there was #3...
I got a message and pretended that I didn't see it, because I didn't feel like answering. It wouldn't have killed me, but MAN, I just didn't want to talk to them.


And that was it for day 1.

Week 8- Liar Liar...

pants on fire, hanging from the telephone wire...


So I've been thinking about what to do for August. I didn't forget, and I didn't fall off the map. I just...didn't want to fill in the blanks with something trivial or stupid (I've got more than a few ideas along those lines, like eating only processed food or only drinking diet soda or ending every sentence with "meow"...). but I've decided, as you may have guessed from the title.


100% honesty (or as close as possible)

Here's the Deal
I know, I know. It sounds like the way it should be anyways, but it's not. You and I both know that. I'm not just talking excuses and big things, I'm nixing the little white lies we tell as well, both verbally AND non-verbally. for the week, I want to see what happens when I'm completely honest. Can I even do it without going full she-witch? It'll be a bit more difficult because I'm a teacher, and as we all know, the feelings of the precious snowflakes known as students must be kept in mind while gently guiding them along the pathway of education (despite the fact that often, resisting the urge to put that hardcover dictionary to good use on the back of their head is quite difficult.) I won't be able to smile and say "good job, at least you tried" or "yes, that's fine" and move on, just to avoid frustration.

Say What?!
I will be ENTIRELY honest for a week. White lies, "smile-and nods" and other non-verbal communication, included. It also includes lying by omission to "keep the peace" or "make things easier". I'm not gonna go on a rampage and use it as a chance to rip into everyone I've ever wanted to, though...that would take far too long and I'll still need to deal with people after this week is over.

Why?
I want to see what happens when I cut the niceties and just say what's what. A bit more difficult than it sounds, because it is NOT a license to go full-on douche. Because it'd be really easy, and actually a bit enjoyable at first. But there's this l-i-t-t-l-e thing called "socially acceptable behavior" that stands in the way, haha.

Most of us are prolific liars. Not in the sense that people usually see the phrase to the point where you can't be believed about anything, but really...think about it. We tell "white lies" "half truths" "save face" and "spare feelings".Think you don't? Quick check...when's the last time you said or did any of these:
-"I'm fine" when you weren't?
-pretended you were tired (or busy, or had to go or something come up) to avoid a conversation?
-set your status/phone/skype to "busy" even though you weren't?
-"oh, no problem" "it's okay" or some variation when it wasn't true?
-asked about someone you know you don't give a damn about just talk ( a la "how's so-and-so"?)
-smiled and said "nice to meet you" or "have a good day" despite not caring?
-"I'm leaving now" or "I'll be there in 5 minutes"...
-pretended not to hear someone 
-"you look fine" "you look great" "I LOVE your hair!"

Yeah, more common that you thought, huh? Back to my point: even a lot of the socially programmed interactions "hi, how are you?" "I'm fine, you?" are lies. It's not having a conversation, it's filling in the blanks. Going through an oft-rehearsed scene. Harmless, but still lies. I can appreciate this point. If it's not true, then it's false. There is no gray area. It can't be "kind of true". It's either a yes or a no. You did or you didn't. It is or it isn't. Absolutes are wonderful.

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kinda bad...

This week will be a test of the tongue, to put it lightly,. I've a feeling that I'll be a bit less...'vocal' than usual...