Beggar, Day 2

I have amazing friends. End of story.

Why? Check it out

 THAT is why. That is from ONE person. I was expecting maybe a few packages of ramen or some clearance stand fruit or a can of soda. Not a shopping bag full of food. I’m not complaining at all, though.

I was really surprised. I mean, I felt like an idiot asking…”Hey…can I have some food please?” But I did it. And she went to the store FOR ME, I actually ran into her as she was on the way to get MORE stuff for me. My friends know I'm a fatkid and my stomach would quickly turn on itself. That or I'd revert to putting non-food items in my mouth...like  a pen, cellphone, TV antenna, steering wheel or remote control.....(Yes. I've chewed through all of those things at some point)

And this is from another friend

 

I love Spam. He knows that. Actually, most people who know me know that I love Spam. I hate ham, but love Spam. I hate cheese, but I love Cheez Wiz. Processed food makes me happy. But yeah, he gave me ALL of that. I was expecting maybe a can or two, but not a gift pack AND ramen.

 

Which brings me to my next point:

While I’ve been totally blindsided by the generosity of my friends, I’m starting to feel really guilty. It feels like I’m being a drain on society. I have money, I’m doing this by choice. Mind you, it's a principle-type thing and I'm only doing it for a week, but still. Why are they helping me?  I don’t get it. I don’t like it, either. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for their help (I’d fail in a heartbeat without the help I’ve gotten), but I hate it. I don’t want to impose on them. They’re my friends, not my providers. I’m an adult and having to rely in others for something as basic as food makes my heart and brain hurt.

 

I can already tell that this is going to be a “deep introspective lesson” learning week. Ugh.

Having this feeling of being a drain, I don’t understand how people can do this willingly as a way of life. Relying on the generosity of others because you have to is one thing. People like the friends I have are probably the reason that people can stand on the streets and beg, knowing that someone with kindness in their heart will help them. But doing it because it’s easier (and unfortunately often far more lucrative) than working...I can’t wrap my head around it. How does that work? Why? Don’t you feel odd knowing that you’re simply taking the work of someone else and getting the benefits? Especially if you call that person your friend, how can you be a freeloader and NOT feel guilty? Or perhaps they do feel guilty and have gotten good at hiding and ignoring it.

But enough of that for now. I’ve got several more days to beat myself up over this. 

I'm feeling sick *probably from other things* and didn't bring anything to work to eat to distract me. So I'm irritated, want to chew something, and have shaking hands. This sucks.