Happy Father's Day. It takes a lot to be a father/father figure and too many people are clearly not up to the challenge.
What, did you sense a bit of something there? Good. Because there was. Today's silence was all over the place and I finally hit on the spot that I've been trying to avoid since I was a kid...
My father.
I don't know him, and I don't know much about him. I know his name and his face from one picture, I remember his 80's style mustache and the color of his skin. The end. I can't remember his voice, or the way he laughed or any of those little tics that make us who we are. And I can honestly say that *Earmuffs for the little ones* I don't give a damn. A while ago, when I made the mistake of going to a "Girl's Night"when I clearly should have stayed home, someone asked me about my father and I couldn't answer her. I honestly didn't know the answer. But she was taken aback, almost hurt, by my indifference to his existence. I wasn't always so unmoved by the topic, though.
When I was younger, I foolishly wanted to get rich and famous, just so he'd come back and I could say "____ you, go away. I want nothing to do with you. How's it feel to be on the receiving end?" But luckily, I outgrew it and found more productive things to pour my energy into.
Again, I don't know him, and I don't want to know him. I have questions, but some things are just going to be left unanswered and perhaps it's for the best. If I ever have children and they want to know about their "real" grandfather, they'll be on their own in that search. Blood or not, I've no interest in looking up someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger.
Which lead me to another point (which is just another reason that I want to swan dive into an empty pool when I consider what I nearly married). His father left before he was born, but he kept in contact. His mother was against it, and tried to keep them from meeting, but he wanted to have a relationship with his son. It certainly wasn't the best of beginnings, but he was trying. So to find out that my then boyfriend was merely using him and didn't care at all? It infuriated me, to put it lightly. How dare you jerk someone around like that.
I get a LOT of thinking done in fifteen minutes. Most of it is unrelated. I'd like to see the CIA try to tap into my brain and follow any single train of thought from start to finish...
"I pray we’ll find Your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
Remind us where You are
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with Your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe"
"The Prayer". Yep, that's what came to mind next. Mainly because I've been listening to a lot of Celtic Woman (great singers, by the way) while I've been studying. The song was in my head, mixed with a few others, and the strange combination of emotions brought on from thinking about he who is my paternal contributor faded away. Quickly replaced by...
"I just wanted to hear your voice". Yep, He Who Wakes the Unicorn called earlier today. And then all was right with the world. Which got me to thinking about my style in relationships (ugh, not a fan of that word). I'm wondering, seriously though, why when I have all of this time to think is my little brain carrying on about a man?! Actually, that was a stupid question. I know why. It's because I typically forbid myself to think about such things, seeing them as stupid or unnecessary and painfully feminine. "But you ARE a girl! It's okay to be feminine!" I know that. But putting that into practice is a lot harder than you'd think.I pride myself on not being overrun by my emotions (unless it's anger, then it's not so disgusting) So getting all soft-spoken, hair twirling "I wuv you honey" is a serious delineation of character. I try to keep it under wraps, but it's like the more I try, the harder it gets! I'm thinking that one day I'm just gonna explode into a bunch of pink sparkly stuffed animals that say "I love you!" It'll be an interesting sight, that's for sure.
THEN (yep, there's more), I watched my glow-in-the-dark stars seemingly dance across my ceiling. I'm not on anything, they just appeared that way because of the lights from cars. Still, it was pretty cool.
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