Silence- Day 2

Once again, I woke up late. This is starting to be a habit, and one that I'm really not fond of. Getting up at 8.30 means I'm not out of the gym until 10 which means breakfast is late...One of the few things that irritates me more than a lousy workout is eating a late meal. But oh well...


Today wasn't as bad. I waited until the end of the day to try for the silence, and it was just as painful as yesterday. By the way: my "Enter" key has gone all tard-card and decided to fly off every now and then...I would have figured it'd be the F,G,H or J, as I wail on those keys mid-game. I'm not complaining that they're still on, but, well...yeah, you know.

So once again I laid in bed, after a decent attempt to study (I've made yet another plan, but this one requires lots of studying, so I've gotten on that already). I shut off my lights and looked at the stars on my ceiling. No, I'm not high. Yes, you read that correctly: the stars on my ceiling. Some people gave me glow-in-the-dark stars, so I jammed them up on my ceiling the other day...
*like I said earlier today "verbal vomit"*

Yeah, anyways, so I was looking at the stars and trying not to think because I KNEW what was coming today. Because I knew it, I so desperately wanted to avoid it. I looked around for something, anything, I could use to distract myself...but there was nothing. So for fifteen long minutes, I thought about so many of the mistakes I've made since coming here. Things I should have said, things I shouldn't have said. People I should have kept in my life, and people I never have had in my life in the first place. My mind ran away with all of the simulated outcomes of what I'd be like if things had been done differently.

I couldn't help but feel a since of failure at having seemingly wasted the last four years of my life smacking my head against the proverbial wall for making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wasted so much time. I was with people I shouldn't have been and wasn't with those I should have been with. I did things I shouldn't have done and didn't do the things I should have.

All I can do now is look back and think "Really? Wow...what the hell was I doing then? What the hell am I doing now?" It's even more daunting now as I move forward toward something I (think I ) want. If I could do it over again, I'd change so much. Looking back with regret changes nothing, but damn it's hard not to it anyways.



Well, two days down, five to go. My brain hurts from silence (and studying) and I'm going to raid my fridge. Until tomorrow...