Silence- Day 3

So I'm starting to notice a pattern, and I don't like it.

Whenever I do my "week", my dreams are really vivid and out there.

Earlier this week I was with someone I know and she was a wizard fighting against an evil fairy blocking the only exit of the fountain in the escalators (yes, you read that correctly). Suddenly, my teeth started falling out in pieces. For me, that was especially terrifying because of the amount of dental work I've had done. I woke up and ran to the bathroom and checked to see that everything was still in place, and throughout the day I kept sticking my fingers in my mouth (super hygienic, I know) just to make sure.

But last night...last night was no better.This time, it was like a video game, and I shot someone and killed him. But the point-of-view suddenly changed and it was like looking at an on-field camera. His body fell toward me (the camera) as he hit the ground. I woke up next to him (he was in full military field uniform, sans cover). We were in something that looked like a mattress, but instead of spring or foam, there were our two (his dead, mine still living) bodies. As the coroner zipped the cover shut, the guy asked "why did you shoot me?" and then started singing "Hymn for the Missing". Then it was my turn to sing..."are you lost?" He was supposed to sing the next line, but he just looked at me. Then I woke up and tried to remember the last time I heard that song...

It bothers me because I don't usually dream, or at least not so vividly. That was what ended up being the focus of my fifteen minutes today. Well, that and something else that I'll not delve into in detail.

I don't believe in dream therapy. I don't think that dreams have any real meaning. Sure, in the Bible there are more than a few instances of God sending a message in a dream, but I don't really know that that happens often, at least not in my life. Only when I have recurring dreams do I try to pick them apart. This will probably sound crazy, but when I apologized, I really didn't want to. But I had the same dream for a week, except that each time the situation got worse. Finally, in the dream someone straight up said "If only you had apologized..." And I woke up and yelled "OKAY JESUS! I GET IT! I'LL APOLOGIZE ALREADY!!!"Probably made my neighbors a bit curious in the process. haha  I don't do well with "signs", I need personalized not in any way confusable notification.

But anyways, laying in bed thinking about that dream actually angered me. Because I get side tracked very easily and somehow wound up running simulations again. Man... a few steps from frustrated eye-water. I just....ugh. The thing I put up with and the things I ignored. What was I thinking? I "watched" myself in high school and it made my face burn. I started to reach for the computer so I could find something, anything, to change my train of thought. I wish I could go back to myself in high school and college and even last year and say "What are you doing? You're better than this. Really. Not trying to get all after school special on you, but you can def do better."

I would love to go back in time, and just beat the absolute daylights outta myself. No, really. Like old school "knuckles and a bat, blood-running down your face' beat down.  Then I'd say to my younger bloodied self "there, the worst is over. That isht you're trying to avoid feeling on the inside isn't half as bad as what you're feeling on the outside right now. So, break up, get a new group of friends, and stop being so freaking agreeable."Then that got me thinking about people I have(n't) been dealing with here in South Korea. Seriously? Bowling for Soup was right when they said it: high school never ends.


But back to the dream, after I went to the gym, I had some messages. He Who Wakes the Rainbow Farting Unicorn sent me pictures of himself in uniform. My heart stopped, because the first pose was exactly the same as that of the man I had shot in my dream. I'm hoping this doesn't mean I'm going to kill him and be buried alive in a mattress next to his somehow still-animated corpse, because that would suck for a multitude of reasons...


I doubt I'll ever be one to meditate for "fun" or "relaxation", simply because my mind runs wild without something to focus (?) on.  But for now, I'll focus on this, because I'm so not ending on a deep mature note:

Rainbows really ARE unicorn farts. The internet told me so!