Silence- Day 1

1) Sorry for the late post
2) "Verbal Vomit" is going to be a running theme for the week (I know it's not actually verbal, but you get the idea)
3) I can't think straight...15 minutes of silence brought out way more than I was expecting!

So, yeah. "Suck" is an understatement. I woke up late and went to the gym and proceeded to crank out a sorry excuse for a workout, which put me in a pissy mood anyways. Then I came back to my apartment and decided to give it a shot. As I thought, this is going to be a rough week.

Closed my laptop, turned off the TV, shut the sliding door to the laundry area and curled up on my bed. Yeah, I felt like an idiot. All these preparations for what? To lay in bed and do nothing for 15 minutes. And so it began.

I laid in bed just staring at the wall...and it seemed like forever had passed. How long had it been? 2 minutes. But laying in bed doing nothing reminded me of another bad decision I made and a mega-bullet I dodged. Story Time! Gather round everyone:

I met him in a bar on my 21st birthday, which should have told me from the beginning that no good would come of it. But I ignored everything in me that screamed "Run, Stupid!". A year and some change later, I found myself with a ring on my finger and a possible future that made my skin crawl. He finally  came and visited my family, but that was a train wreck from start to finish. (No, seriously, at one point my mom kinda smacked me when my "snarking" went into "straight up she-witch"as a result of something he'd done...it was that bad). But enough about that. This isn't the time for me to regale you with tales of my dating disasters. This is about doing nothing. Anyways, instead of going to a museum with my family like I'd planned, we had to lay on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Why? Because [as he put it] ""we need to just relax. I wanna chill out." Bitch, please. That's what stoners do. The middle of a beautiful summer day and we have to lay on the sofa in silence and look at the ceiling. My brother even asked "Yo man, are you okay?" His response "Yeah. I'm just chilling. Don't you ever just chill?" "Uh...no....." The end.

Considering that I'm the kind of person who sees sitting still as punishment, I have no idea what I was thinking when I said "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with your lazy butt" when I put on that engagement ring. Thankfully, I came to South Korea and came to my senses and broke up with him.*One day, I might tell you some of my other "wtf were you thinking" stories...There are oh so many. And apparently my dating life history is hilariously bad..I was telling someone a story and she cried from laughing so hard* 

So I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd also mentioned that I knew I'd be thinking about things I wanted to avoid. MAN, was I right. But God was kind yesterday, he didn't throw me in headfirst. He gave me a bit of a lead-in...but it still sucks.

Why? Because Item Number 1 was "friends".

Lately, I've been doing a lot of re-evaluating. I'm realizing that I, along with many others, use the term "friend" far too loosely. "Oh yeah, that's my friend from work" "yeah, he's my friend from school" "she's my friend, I met her the other day". No. They're not. They're drinking buddies, acquaintances, co-workers and people you know. A "friend" takes time. Yes, living in a foreign county and being in a community forged of people who are in the same situation makes it easier to call them friends, but are they really? Would you rely on them? Ask them for help? Tell them things you'd want no one else to know?

I will likely piss off more than a few people, hurt some feelings and perhaps even unintentionally burn some bridges, but I don't care. At this point in my life, I'm in it for myself.

February of last year, I was undoubtedly at my absolute lowest point ever. It took everything I had not to fall back on bad habits from high school. The people I 'hung out with', the people I drank with, my coworkers...none of them could see past my pretending to be okay. But my friends, the ones who knew me, they didn't let it go. Even when I pushed them away they came back and stuck with me. THOSE are real friends. There were several people I used to call "friends", but things happened that don't happen between friends. Backstabbing, lying, telling secrets and straight-up betrayal. Those things made me a bit (lot) more rough around the edges...and a lot more cautious about who I interact with.

Now, I'm not saying that friends have to be all deep and close and touchy feely (believe me, that's NOT what I'm saying at all). Nor am I saying that friends don't have problems. What I AM saying is that people need to look at who they really call a friend. I'm also saying that while things happen between friends, some of those things show you exactly what you are to the other person, and it may not be what you want.  "Friend" is like the word "Love". Too many people use it carelessly and it's gradually losing it's meaning. I know that I'm guilty of it, and that likely won't change anytime soon, simply because I've gotten so used to throwing the word around.

I'm not discounting people who aren't "friends". Everyone needs a few casual acquaintances, random people to hang with and in my case, people to make questionable decisions with (Some of the craziest *but most fun* memories I have aren't with friends, but with my partners in 'crime'). They're fun and hanging with them is enjoyable. But just know that they aren't friends. Perhaps in the future they will be (as two of them have become), but for now, they're not.

Inseparable *hopefully* ㅋㅋㅋ

And that was day one.