Detour 3- Reflection

So, as I was merrily skipping (Read: full-tilt Sprinting) down the road to ruin, I started to feel this little tug at my *cough* heart.

Yeah, surprise, surprise. I actually have one of those.

It hurt. It was a nagging pain, like when you rip off the little piece of skin between your finger and your nail. It doesn't hurt too bad, but every now and then when you touch something just the right way, HOT DAMN IT STINGS! (Yes, I did that very recently. Except instead of the skin on my finger, it was my whole finger slammed in the gate of a batting cage.) Yes...it hurt.

But enough about that.

The little tug was bothering me a lot. I don't like feelings. Hell, if I could, I'd completely ignore their existence and go through life as a robot. Emotions complicate things. Yes, without them life would seem meaningless and trite, but with them, there's so much unnecessary crap.

I've always tried to be very business-like in my relationships (ugh...typing that word made me feel gross. I hate talking about such things). I give what I take and take what I give.  With that said, I've lost a few friends because of it. But it's not like I surprise people. I'm honest to a flaw (unless we're talking about feelings).You'll know from the beginning that I'll take what I give and expect just as much out of you as you expect out of me.

If you ditch me (either accidentally or intentionally), apologize. Don't just no-show and then try blow sunshine up my ass the next time I see you. "Hi! What's up? I haven't seen you in forever?" ...No shit, Sherlock. It wouldn't be that way if you hadn't blown off our plans.  That said, once you've bailed twice, you're on your own. I will no longer try to make plans with you. "well, if you want to hang out with them, you shouldn't wait for them to make plans..." No, I'm done with that. I made plans with you, and obviously they weren't important enough to warrant your presence or the five seconds it takes to send a half-assed text message saying "I'm not coming."

I'm just really frustrated right now. I am so %*#$*%#$% sick of being the bad guy for holding people to what they say. If you say it, mean it. If you don't mean it, DON'T FREAKING SAY IT! Perhaps I expect too much of people? Nah...once upon a time, your word meant something. Your word was your name was your reputation was your life. Those days are gone. Words mean nothing now. 


But wait, there is an exception. Yes, those three little words. I hate using them frivolously, but here in South Korea, they're used like there's no tomorrow. Don't ever say "I love you" unless you mean it. I've said it without meaning it twice. Both times I was drunk and when I realized that I had said it, my face burned.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S EVEN MORE!
Someone told me something last night that got me thinking. "[We're] too young to understand love. So don't distinguish so clearly between the two ("love" and "like"). I love you, okay?" It made me realize that perhaps my cynicism and *fear* was getting in the way of an otherwise "interesting" progression.


I could carry on a lot more, but enough!

Time to shoot some robot zombies, spit, curse and drink some whiskey from the bottle. All of this touchy-feely talk is making me sick...