No Pants, Day 6

It's raining. I usually love rainy days, but I am NOT looking forward to going out today. I'm just not in the mood. As expected, my "unrelated to pants" happiness has gone just as quickly as it came, and I'm left with nothing to show for it. Oh well, I knew it was coming, just didn't know when.

I met a friend for lunch today...Ah, denim miniskirt: I love you (really). I wasn't about to wear today's skirt to work. It doesn't pass the fingertip test...not by a long shot. Even if it's okay for a Korean woman to wear something that short to work, seeing as how I'm a bit more..."dimensional" than them, I can't really get away with it. What do I mean? Okay. Imagine an envelope, the long kind they use for everyday correspondence and letters and stuff. when you put one or two or three pieces of paper in, it's fine. It will close okay and no one will be any wiser. Now, try to jam 12 pages into that envelope and seal it...gets kinda bulge-y and doesn't close properly and it looks weird, right? Yeah...same concept. The envelope that is my denim skirt wasn't designed with my 12-page butt in mind.

Enough about that...lunch was good. I felt a bit more comfortable than I had earlier this week. I guess it's because going out into downtown, I wasn't expecting to run into anyone I know and I've gotten over the stares. My style is... not standard, I get it. NEXT.

Last night was fun. My good buddies the bartenders joked that I was not myself, but rather a (much kinder and more feminine) twin. When I go there, I'm rough around the edges (to put it lightly). "Wow! Who are you?! This is your boyfriend?! Wow!" Then they looked at him and said "Good job!" That's when the guy realized that: 1) I go to that bar a LOT and 2) I was different than usual. He didn't complain, though...so that's a good sign.


Wearing a skirt has...changed me a bit. I guess it's brought out a bit more of the "feminine" in me. I didn't really know I had that, actually. I've spent a lot of time just trying to minimize it because it makes me sick. The mere idea of dressing FOR someone kills me. I've found myself doing it before, though. I'd avoid certain things because he hated them, or wear things I despised because he liked them. And I also know that, given the right "motivation", I would do it again. I will NEVER wear scaled patterns, though. Snakeskin, fish scales, alligator, crocodile...I will NEVER own or even CONSIDER owning anything like that. I just can't do it. It freaks me out to the point where I have to leave the room. I once touched my mom's wallet. It wasn't even real reptile skin, but it brushed my hand and the texture made me sick to the point where I had to run to the bathroom....I just can't do it (so shoot me).  ANYWAYS... while I was out with my friend for lunch, we went shopping. I bought more things I didn't need and even picked up a skirt.

Yes, I wore those heels in the rain. I will never miss out on a chance to rock bright red vinyl.

Then we came back to my house and she (really) dressed me for tonight. Apparently I looked too..."me"...(those were her actual words) to meet someone. She says "After you catch him, this  is okay. But first you have to catch him. They like sweet girls. You look like strong girl." Well, um...sweetie...that's because I AM  "strong girl". I can bench  (and drink) more than most of the men at my gym and I don't care who knows it. So, she tore my wardrobe apart, randomly yelling at me for wearing certain things and never wearing others, and finally came up with this:

I refuse to be taken seriously. I'm in a skirt, plaid heels and white headphones. Eat it. Not pictured: the ridiculous headband she jammed on my head that will never see the light of day in a photograph.

Yes, at 26 years of age, I still need help getting dressed. Feeling naked is an understatement, as I'm not used to showing that much leg...much less on a first "date" with someone I barely know in the beginning of spring in rainy weather going out at NIGHT. I must say, my friend is quite the strange one, though. But perhaps that's why I like her:

Me: I'm gonna be cold! Can't I wear my coat?
Her: NO! STUPID! Always cold...if he is good guy, he will give you coat.
Me: Or I could just take one of mine...
Her: This is Korean girls' way.  When you are cold you say "Oppa...."(older brother/older man) and look cute.
Me: *blink**blink*
Her: Why? That is how you catch. You look cute. He feels happy.
Me: And what if he doesn't HAVE a coat?
Her: No coat? He is babo (foolish).

God bless that girl...needless to say, I will be taking a coat with me. 

And now for the heavy.
Femininity is not something I'm eager to embrace. I don't despise it, exactly, at least I don't think I do. I just don't want to rush into it. I don't want to be seen as weak and frail and needy and "prone to hysterics". I just wanna be. That's where the difficulty comes in. Whenever I do something like this (going on a date, wearing a dress, looking at makeup), it feels like I'm losing a part of myself.  It's not something that I want to see happen. People always described me as "the tomboy". I ran with the boys and could hang with the best (worst) of them. Tramping out in heels and a A-Line feels like a betrayal, like I'm becoming someone else and leaving who I was behind. That's who I've always been. If that's not me, then what is?